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IELTS Essay Correction: Buy Products For Needs And Quality; Not Due To Advertisement.

The reason why people buy products is to fulfill their needs and because of the products’ quality. Advertisements don’t increase products’ sales; they can only be considered a form of entertainment. Do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

It is commonly believed that advertisements (voice notes) are a mere source of entertainment and do not influence the sale of a product since people’s shopping habits depend on their necessities. I firmly disagree with this statement as advertisements significantly dominate influence people’s (no need of repeating people. It is obvious.) buying habits (behavior) by attracting them to various products irrespective of their needs and a product’s quality.

Many companies, nowadays, use numerous platforms such as magazines, newspapers, and television to market their goods. These mediums display attractive pictures of products which tempt viewers to buy the items even if they do not need them. (1) For instance, although chocolate is not a necessity for a child, he demands it by after seeing the a tempting advertisement on the television. Likewise, people spend thousands of dollars on buying a luxurious Rado watch, which works the same as a 200 dollars Titan watch, by looking at its photo on the cover page of the highest-selling Elle magazine which works the same as a 200$ Titan watch(The optimum placement of adjective clause.)

1. I can clearly see that you’re really concerned not to repeat nouns in this sentence. This has compelled you to use they and them to refer to different nouns. You’ve used ‘the items’ as a synonym for products. But, is there a way to avoid this issue? Well, fortunately, there is. If you have a number of nouns and you’re short of synonyms and pronouns, use PASSIVE VOICE. It helps you avoid at least one noun. Example: These mediums display attractive pictures of products that tempt viewers to buy them (= products) even if they (= products) are not needed. (Passive voice has helped me avoid ‘by viewers’ at the sentence’s end.)

Moreover, the quality of a product becomes secondary when trusted parties do the advertising. Marketing of the Colgate toothpaste, for instance, is majorly mostly carried out by dentists. People who visit them blindly trust the product suggested by them and buy it; however, they are unaware of its quality since it contains a harmful ingredient, fluoride, (needs to be between two commas) in it. (2) On the other hand, Vicco toothpaste, which contains all the healthy ingredients, gets unnoticed by people (you can conveniently avoid the subject in the passive voice.) because doctors do not promote it. Consequently, people become ignorant towards ignore (‘become ignorant’ is different from ‘ignore‘. Plus, follow the economy of words.) the quality of an item when the reliable sources advertise it do the merchandising(TR. Need to bring advertising in the sentence.)

3. This sentence can be written more economically by creating a modifier instead of using a semicolon. Note, there is a modifier within a modifier. Replacing 30 words with 23. Example: Unaware of the presence of fluoride, a harmful chemical, in the toothpaste, people blindly trust them and purchase it without reading its contents.

To conclude, I believe that advertisements play a crucial role in increasing the sale of a product by influencing people’s buying pattern. They (Who make whom? Can write in passive voice, as mentioned in point number 3, to eliminate one of the nouns. They are compelled to purchase not only …. but also …. items.) make them buy not only unnecessary but also low quality items. 

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