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IELTS Essay Correction: TV Advertisements Have Benefits.

Some people say that TV advertisements have benefits, while others believe the opposite. Discuss both views, give your opinion, and include examples from your experience.

Answer:

Different people have a distinct set of ideologies, in regards to regarding television advertisments that is been shown on Television. (The sentence is unnecessarily wordy. Write in as few words as possible. Also, I don’t think there is any ideology related to advertisements. There may be different views. But not ideologies.) (1) While a few individuals think it has they have (Your subject is plural – advertisements. Use a plural pronoun.) benefits, others believe it is they are not beneficial. (Please MENTION why they are beneficial or not beneficial. – 2) I believe, television is an important source of information.

1. It is better if you write the first sentence only on television advertisements. Television advertisements have become a norm and most viewers can not avoid them. While some individuals ……

2. While some individuals think they are beneficial in spreading awareness about products and services, others think they merely misguide the customers(“While X, Y” construction.)

On the one hand, information about the exact price of the products is known from small-box. (I don’t think you are trying to implement the corrections pointed out in the previous essays. You’re still using words that are not synonyms. This is not a synonym of television.(3) To elaborate, (Not implementing the suggestions in the previous corrections. Please read them again.) a certain product was sold in at a high rate by a shopkeeper (4) whereas nowadays with visualization (That’s a LR disaster. Visealization is not the same as advertisements.) of advert customers are aware of the right charge. For example, a fare (LR issue. Fare is a wrong word. Price/ cost is correct.) of toothpaste was (when?) ten rupees but because of no commercials it was sold for fifteen (5). Fortifying (You are not fortifying anything. Unnecessary and incorrect. Will impact LR and CC bands.) further, (Moreover, …….) adverts help individuals to be up to date update individuals about products and services by following recent trends. (6) They show which gadget is introduced in the market, seeing to it people purchase such lucrative items abruptly, on doing this they feel trendy. (7)

3. Do not use passive voice (is known) unnecesarily. It should only be used where SUBJECT is not important. Otherwise, write a sentence in active voice. On the one hand, television advertisments are crucial to spread awareness about a product’s price and quality.

4. Why are you referring to ONE customer and ONE product? Refer to ALL products and ALL customers. While, in the past, the customers were compelled to pay a high price for products due to lack of open information, advertisements have empowered them.

5. The example is not strong enough. It has data. But, there is no LOGICAL DEVELOPMENT which is crucial for coherence in an answer. You can write it as: For example, the price of a Colgate toothpaste in 1980 was rupees 10 but, due to lack of awareness, the shopkeepers sold it at rupees 15. Such a blatant loot stopped only when the customers learned about the actual price through television advertisements in the 1990s.

6. UPDATE is a verb, an action. Use it with the subject ‘adverts’.

7. Note that there are three ideas in this sentence and you’ve simply connected them using commas. That’s wrong in the English language. To connect different ideas (independent or dependant) you need conjunctions or modifiers. Commas do not work. Let us rewrite this sentence: 

They show new gadgets such as foldable mobile phones (idea 1) and (conjunction to connect idea 1 with idea 3) , to feel trendy(idea 2 as a modifier for ‘people’) people purchase these items abruptly. (idea 3)

On the other hand, with television advertisements, people have become greedy and mentally stressed (8) stressful. People’s They, by nature, feel like to buy buying the attractive stuff that appears in advertisements shown on them and, in order to purchase it, they work the whole day and night most of the days. (This sentence is poorly structured with a lot of punctuation mistakes. Interruptors – “by nature” – and modifiers – “in order to purchase it” – should be between two commas.) As new and new adverts keep on coming greed to own them never ends consequently, (9) it results to no peaceful life. Moreover, sometimes misleading specifications of a good is are (subject-verb disagreement) telecasted on television. For instance, Maggi commercials gave viewers the belief that it is a healthy source of diet but, soon after its consumption, (an interruptor) maggi it harmed the digestive system of not only harmed digestive system of aged people but also of children. (10)

8. Stressful refers to something that CREATES stress. A stressful job, for instance. People can’t be stressful (at least in this context).

9. You’ve missed a comma and the sentence is rendered useless. It does not make any sense. As new advertisements keep coming, (this comma is indispensable) people become more and more inclined (it is not greed. It’s inclination.) to own them and, consequently, (place this interruptor within commas) they lose the peace of mind.

10. While constructing “not only X but also Y” construction, bring the common element (clause) (harmed the digestive system of) outside the construction. Now, make the first words of X and Y parallel. I hope you’ve read my article on the Rules of Parallelism.

In conclusion, television commercials are tremendously beneficial although (wrong placement of although. Note the construction: Although X, Y.considering about misguided information (information is never misguided. People are. Information can be misleading.) shown and making life full of the stress of individuals, negative impacts of it cannot be ignored.

Although television commercials are beneficial, they negatively impact the customers through misinformation and performance stress.

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