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IELTS Essay Correction: Use Internet For Medical Problems.

Some people use the internet to search for solutions to their medical problems. Is it a positive or negative development? Give your own opinion and examples from your experience.

Answer:

With the proliferation of the internet, many people use online platforms, such as Google and Youtube, to find remedies to their medical problems. I firmly believe it is a negative development since, in an online ecosystem, they can not only be tricked by web fraudsters but also be carried away by the false information.

Many fraudulent companies (important adjective missing) operating around the globe (Simple Present tense is better than the Present Continuous.) target are targeting those people who are looking to purchase a search medical product online. These companies present a fake transaction portal to steal the credit card information of a user and, after that, transferring the money. (1) A recent news by the NDTV channel showed (2) that the Punjab Police busted a company of fifteen individuals tricking skinny people into buying whey Whey protein at their website. They captured the card details of fifty users using a PCI Non-Compliance website, a site without security features, and did a fraud transaction of one lakh rupees. 

1. The conjunction AND is used to connect two independent clauses. In the second clause, the subject may be missing. But, the rest of the sentence should be complete. Now, let us rewrite the latter part: “The companies transferring the money”. This seems incorrect. Right? Let us write again: and, after that, they transfer the money illegally.

2. You can write in fewer words. 3 words less: The NDTV channel recently reported that

Though the paragraph is well constructed with proper sentence structures, I can’t read much about the core of the essay: MEDICAL PROBLEMS and their SOLUTIONS. Your idea merely states that people buy medicines online. That’s NOT a solution. TR issue.

Additionally, many medical firms try to engage people by providing quick solutions, (solutions for what? Are these online solutions? – 3) and they earn profit through digital advertisements displayed on their website. However, (Wrong use of ‘however’. Please understand its meaning. – 4.) these misleading solutions can put people in miserable situations. Recent research by the cybersecurity team of India revealed that, due to the sudden outbreak of Covid-19 diseases, (No need of commas here. This seems to be one sentence.) ten million websites were created within a day for a the sole purpose of earning money through advertisement. Some of them falsely recommended a dose of Paracetamol for a quick recovery against the diseases. Around ten thousand people in Punjab, suffering from cholesterol, (When fails to connect punjab and followed the recommensations. Need to restructure. It needs to be placed at the head of the sentence. – 5) when followed the recommendations, (Missing pronoun.) were hospitalised due to high blood pressure caused by the intake of heavy doses of Paracetamol. (It is better to write in chronological order – Paracetamol –> High blood pressure –> Hospitalisation. Plus, when you write ‘ followed these recommendations’, it means they consumed Paracetamol. No need to write again. – 5.)

3. Though you’ve mentioned WEBSITES in the latter part of the sentence, remember that AND connects two independent clauses. So, the connection between the two clauses is week. The firms may be making money on a website, but that does not mean they are providing solutions online. If you want to connect the two clauses, create a complex sentence. Not a compound sentence: Additionally, to earn profits through digital marketing displayed on their website, many firms engage customers through quick and easy yet fake solutions.

4. To use HOWEVER, you have to express contrast: However misleading they may be, these solutions are quick and easy. 

5. Restructure. Note the chronology.: When around ten thousand people in Punjab, who suffered from cholesterol, followed these recommendations, they developed high blood pressure and had to be hospitalized.

To recapitulate, the trend of surfing the internet to find a solution for health problems is creating a detrimental effect on society. Many fraud people trick web users into fetching their card details and displaying display (6) misleading information to make money.

6. Parallelism has to be developed between trick and display because fraud people do both things. If you write displaying, it becomes parallel to fetching. This changes the meaning. Your sentence’s latter part, in this case, means – web users displaying misleading information. Web users are not doing this. Fraud people are.

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