Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Music Plays Important Role In Society.

Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others, however, disagree and say that music is merely a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and state your own opinion.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, music is an eternal (not the best word. It means forever.) integral part of our society since ancient times. While some people believe it is essential since it rejuvenates the mind and acts as a source of income, others opine that it is a mere sort merely a source of pleasure since it diverts their mind from important routine (stressful) (important is not the best word in this context.) tasks. I firmly agree with the former view. (Not the best LR I expected.)

Many scientific reports have proven that listening to music helps to rejuvenate people as their body releases happy hormones during that time, which cheers cheer up their mood and gives them the boost of energy to work boost their energy. (Cheer up and boost are an explanation of rejuvenation which you’ve used in the introduction. So, there is no need to rewrite rejuvenate.) (Your sentence is too wordy. Make it short without losing sense.) Many people like to hear music while working out, cooking and doing office work to gain some extra energy, consequently, it increases their productivity. (This does not explain rejuvenation further. Now, here’s an important tip. When you’re short of words in “Discuss both views” essays, contrast the opposite of the idea. In this essay, what if there were no music?) These reports (scientific reports in the previous sentence.) have also proved that in the absence of music, most people are unable to find a constructive alternative to release their pent-up stresses. This reduces their professional productivity while increasing the chances of conflict at home and work. Moreover, music it also acts as a source of income for many individuals. (This sentence is meaningless since the next sentence includes the ideas of career and money.) People, nowadays, are exploring the field of music as a full-time career to make money. For instance, my friend, who is a self-taught guitarist, earns a decent amount of money by playing the guitar at various restaurants during weekends. He utilizes this money in learning other musical instruments so that he can open his music academy. (I can’t see the benefit for SOCIETY. Where is SOCIETY in body paragraph 1?) Serious TR issues. 

On the other hand, some people believe that music is only used for leisure purposes, and it distracts people’s mind from important tasks by wasting their time. (1) Teenagers, for instance, are highly addicted to listening to music due to which they spend more time on it than studying. This leads to the a downfall of in their grades in exams.(Grades are given in exams only.) A recent report by the Ministry of education revealed that four out of ten students from Miranda college fail in exams because of their addiction to music.

1. Wait! The question’s latter part is about entertainment. It does not mean a wastage of time. In fact, the first idea in BP1 is meant for BP 2. It is about entertainment, not about society.

To conclude, while people have a varied opinion on the significance of music, I believe that it radically benefits in the development of society in various forms ranging from revitalizing an individual’s mind and increasing his productivity to becoming a livelihood.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.