Some people think parents should control the behaviour of children from a very young age but others think we should give them more freedom.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
While one school of thought avers that parents should
not only supervise (1) manage children’s behaviour but also impart moral values and correct them if they make mistakes, (2) others urge that full freedom is necessary for them. (for whom? – 3) I concur with the formal former statement view (There is only one statement. But, that statement contains two views.) since it makes them (Them does not refer to children.) law-abiding citizens.
1. You can’t supervise behaviour. You can manage or control it.
2. Stick to the question. Either use moral values and correct them as channels to supervise behaviour OR don’t use them at all. … parents should manage children’s behaviour by imparting moral values and correcting them if they make mistakes.
3. Your sentence does not have children as a noun. It’s noun is ‘children’s behaviour’. So, the pronoun them can’t refer to children. Wrong pronoun. You should restructure the sentence to include children. While one school of thought avers that children should be given freedom, others think that their (refers back to children) behaviour needs to be managed by parents through moral values.
At the outset, children
have raw (What’s that? LR issue.) mind due to which they are unable to distinguish with in between good and bad (Note the construction: Between X and Y). Therefore (Do not use concluding devices unnecessarily. – 4) they keep doing the things which they found find interesting without imagine the effect of it irrespective of the results/ consequences. Thereby, it is onus of the parents to instil moral and ethical values (5) in them so that they can avert the worse things and become responsible dwellers. (The idea is unexplained. Which worse things? Please develop the idea in a concrete manner.) For example, under the influence of anti-social elements, many children engage in drugs and theft if parents are not cautious and fail to teach the value of hard work, determination and patience. Adding to this Also (Additionally), it is a fact that behaviour in childhood has a huge influence on their actions when they fully grow. (Your idea sentence has a suboptimal choice of words.) Moreover, if unlawful childhood activities are not checked (stopped), they may develop into permanent personality traits (= influence on their actions) during adulthood (= when they fully grow). An oflate (This word does not exist.) A survey by the crime bureau of India (“the X of Y” construction.) has revealed that many thieves said they were not stooped by their parents in childhood when they stolen stole small things such as pencil, rubber of their friends and day by day this habit was reinforced (strengthened) developed. Consequence is today they are behind the bars. (The thieves said. That’s the past tense. While the consequence is in the present. Since they must be in jail when the said this, the consequence must also be in the past. Since the consequence is the PAST of the PAST, it must be in the past perfect tense.) Consequently, they HAD landed behind bars. (Discuss with me if you have any doubt regarding this.)
4. Rewrite the two sentences in one sentence using “Since X, Y” construction. Since children lack the ability to distinguish between good and bad, they keep doing things they find interesting irrespective of the consequences.
5. Understand the optimum usage of the word ONUS. “The onus of X on Y” – X is a thing, Y is a person. The onus of instilling moral and ethical values in children (X) is on parents. (Y)
On the other hand, freedom develops the confidence to face the world
the confident traits. (A trait can’t be confident. LR issue.) To illustrate, (This is NOT an illustration) when children itself (Wrong pronoun. In fact, there is no need of a pronoun.) explore the a problem (You are not talking about a specific problem. Article mistake. GR issue.) and solve it by their own methods, this will it (“When X, Y” construction. Both X and Y should be in the same tense.) not only boosts their confidence level but also enhances their skills. (6) Furthermore, the quality of decision making in these children is better and stronger than the others in the future. (Why in the future? Why not now? Moreover, the placement of ‘in the future’ is wrong.) This is because they have started taking it (Taking what? Reference is not clear.) from childhood and their experience helps them to do things more efficiently. (This idea, like other above, is not concretely and sufficiently developed. TR score will suffer.)
6. The idea is not completely developed. Can you MENTION a few skills? Write more concretely. For example, when a child has the independence to order any food item from global food chains such as McDonalds, KFC and Whole Foods, she develops the confidence and communication skills.
To conclude, although freedom is necessary for children so that they can hone their knowledge, parents must supervise and stop them from awful activities.