Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
An effective utilization of time is
highly important in present crucial (highly important = crucial. “In present” is unnecessary in this context.) for everyone. Many individuals think that maximum time should be devoted to building (1) a strong career because it provides the financial security and the self-esteem to a person. (‘to a person’ is unnecessary.) Others believe that family and friends are more imperative (2) important as they help to relieve the mental stress and strengthen the relationships. (You’re not referring to specific relationships and specific mental stress. The use of article the is wrong.) I agree with the former view.
1. Note the structure: to + noun (ing form – Gerund); to + verb (infinitive form). In your sentence, the verb is DEVOTED. BUILDING takes than noun form.
2. Wrong use of the word imperative. It is used to refer to the importance and urgency of a TASK. You’re not referring to a task.
Time spent with close relatives and friends makes people feel relaxed. They can easily share their feelings and emotions
with them, (pronoun mistake. There is no need of writing ‘with them’. It’s implicit.) and release mental pressure and frustration which is quite essential (wrong word choice. Frustration is not essential. – 3) due to their modern (I guess modern has nothing to do with frustration. Hectic, yes.) hectic work schedule. Apart from this Moreover, (Use as few words as possible) sitting together in a family for talking or having meals generates the strong ties between the family members. This gives them the feelings of happiness and contentment. A 65 years old person prefers to spend spending time with his grandchildren over to receiving (4) expensive gifts and money because it gives him inner peace and strength.
3. I understand that your intention is that RELEASE is ESSENTIAL. But, WHICH is a pronoun and it can’t refer to an action – release. It refers to mental pressure and frustration, and they are NOT essential. You need to build a different sentence structure in which instead of NOUNS, you write NOUN phrases. “Releasing mental pressure and frustration (noun phrase) is essential …….” OR “Since they follow a hectic work schedule, sharing feelings and emotions with loved ones and releasing mental pressure are essential for a satisfactory life”.
4. More preferred construction is “prefer X to Y” (not ‘over’) in which X and Y should be parallel. While the first word of X in your sentence is TO (a preposition), the first word of Y is EXPENSIVE (an adjective). They are not parallel.
On the other hand, a successful career brings numerous benefits for an individual and his family. It ensures
him (unnecessary pronoun) an excellent present as well as a secure future, and he can overwhelm his family and friends with various facilities. An IAS officer, though (Wrong use of THOUGH construction. – 5) spent more than ten hours in a day to achieve the position (Which position. Your sentence mentions an officer. Not a position.), can easily afford the family trips to beautiful destinations, a higher education to for his children and a better health care for his elder parents. Moreover, a well-established career raises the self-esteem of people. They feel more confident and stress-free which reflects not only in their personal life but also in the happiness of their family members and friends.
5. Due to the complex nature of the idea – hard work in the past; rewards in the present – you could not build a proper sentence structure. Avoid such ideas in the future. They will impact your GR score. Though a civil service aspirant may have to devote more than 10 hours to study every day, once he joins the service, he can afford luxurious family holidays, superior education for children, and expensive (parallelism) healthcare for parents.
To conclude, in my opinion, people should
do make efforts to become successful in their professional life because it is beneficial for them as well as their loved ones close aides. However, this should not be done at the cost of ignored ignoring families family and friends.