Nowadays men’s sports are given far more attention by society compared to women’s sports. What are the reasons for that? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Irrefutably, in today’s time, (This is an introducer. It must be placed within two commas. – Read “Introductory Words“) men’s sports are preferred
more (1) by society comparatively to women’s sports. The reasons for this are that (= because/ since) – women’s sports (why repeat women’s sports. Use a referencing device.) are very expensive and do not reach sufficient media coverage does not reach wide number of audience (2). I believe it is a negative development.
1. The word prefer includes more. It includes the word compare also. Irrefutably, in today’s time, society prefers men’s sports over women sports since the latter are very expensive.
2. does not reach …. audience = preferred less. This is the main statement. Not the reason. That is why the right choice of words is crucial to communicate a message clearly.
The primary reason is that women’s sports are very expensive to invest in for the society. (3) When people invest the money
on (Read “invest in OR invest on“) in men’s sports they get make a huge profit in return , unlike investing in women’s sports. Pepsi invested $1million in men’s cricket tournament and its outcome was $2million profit to them whereas other companies went into losses on investing on in leagues of women’s sports such as badminton, tennis, and swimming (Do you mean these sports are not meant for men? Your sentence structure says so. – 4). Moreover, performing fees of sportsmen is very less as they are widely available in numbers whereas sportswoman sportswomen ask for high fees (build a sentence structure that avoids word repetitions – 5) for performing in games because they are a few in numbers. (What does the fees have to do with audience/ attention?) So, society tends to organize more men’s sports. (LR issue. What does organize have to do with profits and audience?)
3. Note that you have stated this in the introduction. Do not repeat it. In BP 1’s first sentence, explain it a bit more (in concrete words). While women’s sports involve a lot of investment in accommodation and health, it garners very little revenue. (= very expensive)
4. The example is not strong enough. You’ve just stated the numbers without touching the core of the topic. Why do companies make a huge profit in men’s sports? Also, even this point in the body paragraph does not address the question – why do men’s sports attract greater attention than women’s sports? TR issue.
5. Moreover, the fee for male athletes is low since there is a tough competition whereas that for female athletes is high because they are few in numbers.
The second chief cause is that women’s sports
does do (subject-verb disagreement) not reach wide number of (audience is uncountable in nature. You can’t write number with it.) audience. Sports such as skating, boxing, and football, when played by men, is are (6) given plethora of (plethora is countable, publicity is not) publicity by news, media, and government as they are more entertaining to watch in comparison to same sports when played by women sportswoman. For example, wrestling matches of the male sportsperson the Undertaker The Undertaker, a male wrestler, is are (subject-verb disagreement. Subject = matches = plural) given abundance of abundant publicity by company organizers, news channels, and private marketing companies whereas only a few banners were are (wrong tense. Maintain the same tense in the sentence.) presented in support of women wrestler the such as Ronda Rousey for performing in a wrestling match. (It is obvious that she will perform in a wrestling match. Unnecessary words.)
6. Note that ‘when played by men’ is an adjective clause which acts as a modifier. The main sentence is – Sports such as skating …. ARE given …. Sports = plural; use a plural auxiliary verb.
Despite numerous mistakes, the arguments in BP 2 are better built than those in BP 1.
In conclusion, although men’s sports are money-making machine and are full of entertainment for society, women’s sports should be given equal attention as it will not only boost women’s confidence
of them but also provide better living standards for for their families.