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IELTS Essay Correction: Children And Teenagers Committing Crimes.

Children and teenagers are committing more and more crimes in many countries. Why is this happening? How can we stop or at least reduce youth crime?

Answer:

Irrefutably, crimes committed by children and teenagers are increasing day by day in most of the countries. The reason for this issue is that It is primarily because most of children and teenagers them (let us use a pronoun to refer to the nouns in the previous sentence.) urge for fast easy money and the solution to this problem is by imposing strict laws on them. imposing strict laws is the only way to solve this problem.

The primary reason is (1) When children develop an inclination to live lavish life that why most of the children and teenagers are committing crimes in many countries. (2) In order to fulfill their desires such as purchasing expensive cars, bikes, and watches, these people they commit heinous crimes such as (3) robbery, purse theft, and murders. In America, 30 percent of children have criminal cases of snatching and it is admitted by them that they did most of them admitted doing so to buy drugs. (Passive voice is unnecessary in this context.) Also, the media impact impacts (subject-verb disagreement) the (Construction: the X of Ymindset of children and teenagers, on (There needs to be a full top instead of a comma.) . On seeing criminal scenes shown on television, most youngsters copy them, (4) parents should guide children for watching that stuff which are fruitful for them such as history channels, cooking, and comedy(This is too much to take in one sentence.)

1. When you’ve mentioned reason or primarily or primary reason in the introduction, there is no need to repeat it in the body paragraph 1. Directly begin explaining in a logical manner.

2. Loss of logic. You’re jumping to the conclusion. Is a lavish lifestyle the only reason? What about a lack of means to support that lifestyle? Note the constructions, sentence structures and parallelism in this sentence. Discuss it with me, if necessary. When children develop an inclination to live a lavish lifestyle but lack the means to support it, they tend to commit heinous crimes. (A+B = C)

3. You’ve already written crimes in the previous sentence. Why write it again? Also, this has led to a repetition of such as. So, there are two repetitions.

4. NOTE: There are two clauses – youngsters copy them and parents should guide …. What should be the connecting element between them? What is the common-sense relationship? While the former is the problem, the latter is the solution. A comma is not the right instrument to connect the two. Since most youngsters, on seeing criminal scenes on television, (modifier) copy and act on them, parents should offer guidance on the stuff being watched(Note the use of PASSIVE voice to avoid repetition of youngsters.)

The efficacious solution to this issue is by making a radical change in the judicial system. (5) The same laws as that are against (LR issue.) adults are subjected to should be applicable to youths on committing crimes. (Children should be subjected to the same stringent laws that are applicable for adults.) In Mexico, for instance, capital punishment is given to culprit without considering that a criminal is a juvenile once that person’s verdict is guilty of rape. (6) Moreover, when it will be legal to do part time jobs for youths youngsters are legally and compulsorily involved in part-time jobs, then (No need of then in “When X, Y” construction.) they will be busy in earning money and channelize their energy to do constructive deeds such as enhancing their personality and building a strong career. Therefore, they will not have the negative thoughts in mind to plan and commit crimes.

5. LR issue. Changes in the law do not mean changes in the judicial system. Making radical changes in juvenile law is one of the most efficient solution for the problem.

6. VERDICT can’t be guilty of rape. A person can be. Also, there are three parts of this sentence – guilty of rape, capital punishment, without considering age of the criminal. Let us put these in a logical order – First guilty, then punishment. For example, in Mexico, once a person is declared guilty of rape, he is awarded capital punishment irrespective of whether he is a minor or an adult.

In conclusion, although money is important factor for living, children and teenagers should be guided to obey laws and not to break them in order to fulfill their never ending desires. As b Breaking (Violating) them the law (Who is the first them and who is the second them? Pronoun mistake.) will end up with lead to harsh punishment for them and it will harm (note the placement of harm outside the “not only but also” construction.) not only harm their future but also that of family members.

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