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IELTS Essay Correction: Exercise Is The Key To Health.

Some people think that exercise is the key to health while others feel that having a balanced diet is more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Answer:

It is rightly said that health is wealth. Although some people believe that exercising is the primary (I don’t think there is a secondary key. There is only ONE key.) key to a healthy body, others opine that focus should be on a person’s diet. In my opinion, workout is essential as it helps to achieve good health by not only keeping a person active but also burning his calories.

On the one hand, regular exercise involves various body movements, (This should be within two commas.) ranging from moving hands in an upward position to bending the back, which ensures (1) the mobility of all the joints of a body (Why repeat body? There is no need to write this.). Jogging and Yoga encourages (another subject-verb disagreement.) encourage a person to use all the muscles which (2) otherwise is not possible. An information technology professional IT individual, (individual is not IT) for instance, sits in front of a computer for nine hours straight, which (overuse of which. – 3) results in a lethargic (back can’t be lathargic) lower back. Thus, he needs to work out to keep it active (You can’t keep a muscle active. You can keep yourself active.). Moreover, physical activity also helps to burn the unhealthy accumulated fat in the form of calories, which (Oh no!) promotes the growth of a fit body. (Can you change this sentence’s structure and share it with me?)

1. The verb ensures does not link with regular exercise. It links with body movements (plural subject). A subject-verb disagreement. The main sentence is: Regular exercise INVOLVES various body movements which ENSURE …….

2. WHICH is connected with muscles. It creates a modifier for this noun and not for use. So, the use of ‘is’ is incorrect. Also, you’ve used WHICH in the previous sentence. Let us use THAT here. (Note that while which is used to create a modifier, that stays a part of the main sentence. So, there is no comma before that.) Jogging and yoga encourage a person to use all muscles that, otherwise, remain sedentary and weak.

3. The overuse of one type of sentence structure will reduce your band score. Let us write a variety of sentences. Let us change the sentence’s modifier. Let us use WHO. An information technology professional, who sits in front of a computer for nine hours every day, loses muscular strength gradually due to the sedentary nature of the job. Or, Let us use SINCE construction: Since an information technology professional is compelled to sit in front of a computer for more than nine hours every day, she gradually loses muscular strength. 

On the other hand, some people believe that a well-balanced (There’s nothing called well-balanced. It’s either balanced or not.) diet is vital in for achieving superior health as it restricts the intake of unhealthy items that eventually harms harm (subject-verb disagreement.) a person’s body. Eating green-veggies such as spinach and peas stimulates (4) increases the level of Vitamin B in his body that improves the eyesight. (5) Whereas consuming burgers and pizzas raises bad cholesterol levels; consequently, it increases the risk of numerous heart issues. Therefore, they should be avoided to maintain overall wellness. 

4. How can you stimulate vitamins? Stimulate refers to encouraging something or somebody to grow. You can’t encourage vitamins to grow.

5. This explanation is not for the idea given in the opening sentence of the paragraph. Your idea is to restrict the intake of unhealthy items. How do green vegetables help in that? They provide healthy things, but in which way do they restrict unhealthy things? Task response issue.

On the other hand, some people believe that a balanced diet is vital for achieving superior health as it restricts the intake of unhealthy items that eventually harm the body. When, during a sudden craving for sweets, we pick a banana instead of an ice-cream, we consciously make a  decision to consume natural sugar and anti-oxidants instead of fat, artificial sugar, and preservatives (restrict). Moreover, consuming certain ayurvedic foods such as aloe vera prevents (restrict) the absorption of harmful chemicals in our bodies.

To recapitulate, while people may vary in their opinion, I believe that workout is essential for keeping a body fit by increasing the activeness of a person and burning his unnecessary fat.

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