Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Part-Time Jobs While Studying.

Many students take part-time jobs while studying at a university. Is this a good or bad idea?

Answer:

In this modern era, many university students take part-time jobs to support their parents. (1) I believe it is a good commendable (an appreciable) step since it releases the financial pressure of on the parents and helps students to acquire communication skills.

1. Please note that it is not necessary to begin essays with “In this modern era”. Many students may be copying this statement to begin the essay. This will kill your originality and identity. Also, in this essay, I don’t see any link with modernity. You can write a more contextual response: Due to financial constraints, many university students are compelled to take part-time jobs to support their studies.

In this competitive world, (What is the value of this introducer? Nothing.) every parent wants their children to study at the best university (C1) and since these universities charge exorbitant fees (C2), parents find it difficult to fund their education (C3). (2) To overcome this, students work at restaurants, hospitals, and grocery stores in free time to pay the university fees themselves (You’ve used these words in the previous sentence) shoulder the cost (the cost = university fees. the helps in referencing.), which decreases the financial burden on parents. For instance, one of my cousins, studying at the University of Toronto, works in Burger King to pay his course fees of two thousand dollars as his parents in India cannot afford to pay such a huge amount.

2. Though AND is a excellent tool and I don’t see any grammatical mistake in this sentence, the context demands another tool. Let me call the clauses in this sentence as C1, C2, and C3. You’ve kept C1 as independent of others. But, does the context demand so? Shouldn’t C1 be linked more strongly with C3? Though parents want their children to study at the best university, they find it difficult to pay for education due to the exorbitant fees structure of the elite universities.

Additionally, by working in a part-time job, students learn interpersonal skills which help them in their professional (career is professional. Repetition.) career ahead. A student Students (You’ve used the pronoun theyworking in a restaurant interacts with customers and teammates, through which they not only learn about effective communication with co-workers to accomplish tasks (why repeat team) grow as a team but also grasp the skill of making polite conversations with customers. For instance, a recent survey in Infosys revealed that freshers, (this needs to be part of the main sentence. No comma here.) who have prior experience of working in a part-time job perform better in a team (Write more specific. This is an example.), while others, despite having better technical knowledge, are less productive in working with a team (Repetition – team. Plus, write more specifically.).

For instance, a recent survey in Infosys revealed that freshers who have prior experience in part-time work in a library possess the skill of collaboration that is vital to solve a customer’s problems. Those with only technical skills, such as coding in C language, are valued workers but not problem solvers.

To recapitulate, working in a part-time job not only helps students to support their parents financially but also assures ensures (working can’t assure, it can ensure. Check the dictionary meaning of both words. LR issue.) them a better career ahead.

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