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IELTS Essay Correction: Balance Work With Other Things.

Nowadays, people try to balance their work with other things in life, but only some could achieve it so far. What are the reasons for that? How can we solve this problem?

Answer:

Irrefutably, in today’s time, people are trying to balance their work with other stuffs in life, (1) but only few of them have succeeded in doing so. It is primarily because most of them urge for huge money (2) and imposing strict laws on employers is the only way to solve this problem.

1. In normal conversation, this is called the work-life balance. Along with the right terminology, follow the optimum sentence structure. Do not copy the question statement. Despite their best efforts, only a few individuals obtain a work-life balance.

2. Everyone has an urge for money. Your idea can be better expressed as: most of them have an unquenchable thirst for money; most of them are greedy for money.

Most of the people develop an inclination to live a lavish lifestyle, so they work day and night. (3) In order to fulfill their desires such as for expensive cars, bikes, and smartphones they do (use work as a verb) work overtime, late nights, and early mornings. For example, in India, 70 percent of people have taken monetary loans from banks most of them admitted doing so to buy to purchase a house. (4) While (5) individuals who have a feeling of self satisfaction and knows know (parallelism) the worth of body fitness as well as that of (6) family members does do not run after money further and wisely balance their personal and professional life. (7)

3. This is not the best sentence structure. There can be a better way to connect work and lavish lifestyle. Most of the people word day and night to satisfy their inclination for a lavish lifestyle.

4. This sentence is unnecessarily wordy ( … most of them admitted doing so to buy …). Plus, this sentence does not have any reference of work-life balance. Loss of TR in the example. For example, in India, a large percentage of people work for more than 80 hours every week to pay EMIs for their house loans and cars. 

5. Wrong use of WHILE construction. It is used to express contrast (While X, Y). I can see X, but not Y. There is no need to use this construction.

6. They know the worth of body fitness and the worth of family members. THAT OF = family members.

7. Note that there are two clauses. You can’t create a sentence without a conjunction between the two ideas. This is a run-on sentence. The conjunction is AND. WRONG –“My wife has finished cooking I am preparing salad.” CORRECT – “My wife has finished cooking and I am preparing salad.”

Making radical changes in the labour law is the most effective solution for the problem. Employers should be subjected to the strict punishment on making (forcing/ compelling) an employee work for longer than regular shifts do over shifts. For instance, in Australia, once an employer is declared guilty for forcing workers to stretch working hours, that person he is awarded with the termination of job (how can you terminate the job of an employer? He owns the company.) irrespective of whether that individual is a team leader or vice president of a company. (For instance, once a company is held guilty of violating the rights of employees by making them work for more than 40 hours a week, it can face heavy penalties extending up to millions of dollars.)

In conclusion, although money is important for living, people should know the importance of giving time to their health and family. Failing to do so leads to depression in life and it will harm not only their future but also that of their family.

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