Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Unpaid Community Work.

Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. To what extent do you agree?

Answer:

It is believed by some that community service should be an alternative to incarceration for certain perpetrators. This essay totally agrees with that (The question is addressed to you. Not to the essay.) I agree with this statement because it can help them to return back to the society after their term of sentence is over, and while doing volunteer work (1) they might learn moral values.

1. Nothing wrong with this. But, you could have used the pronoun ‘IT’ to refer to the community service in the previous sentence. You’ve done this in the earlier part of the sentence. Use the construction: “Not only X but also Y”I agree with this statement because it not only helps them ….. but also teaches them moral values. (Note parallelism.)

One reason why minor criminals (Are they minor in age or act? Not the best placement.), who have committed crimes such as minor theft and robbery out of circumstances, should be given unpaid work because is that (2) while working for people in the society they can prove themselves as a (wrong article placement) responsible individuals. (3) (4) This means after the release they can lead a respectable life without any embarrassment, as people have seen them working selflessly for the community, so they will (wrong tense. Maintain simple present tense.) accept these offenders as a part of the society. As a result, they can live a normal life after returning back to the outside world. In Denmark, for example, 36% of the offenders who were doing community payback have faced no difficulty in leading a normal life after their release(This is NOT an example. An example is more specific than a general statement.)

2. Note the construction: One reason …. is that …..

3. You can use inclusionary words (minor theft and robbery) or exclusionary words (not heinous crimes). Individuals who have not committed heinous crimes such as murder should be reformed through community work so that they can become responsible individuals. When they serve critically ill poor patients in government hospitals without any expectation of money, they develop compassion and empathy. Since people have seen them working selflessly for the community, they are readily accepted. It enables them to live respectfully and peacefully in society. (THEY = individuals.)

4. Explain in one sentence HOW community work helps them reform. I’ve done so under point number 3.

Another reason why unpaid community work should be given to low-level (What does ‘low level’ mean? It does not convey anything.) criminals because is that (2) (5) while working for the (you are not referring to specific people) people (which people? Be specific to maintain TR.) they will (maintain the same tense) learn humility, morality, and integrity. (How?) This would (maintain the same tense) changes their thinking towards others and they may realize what wrong they have done to them (To whom? Wrong pronoun – Discuss), it would help to change their behaviour in the future. According to the article published in The BBC news recently, in UK 3% of the offenders, who planted flower beds in the a disabled school, realized their wrongdoings and wanted (maintain the same tense) to work more for disabled children. Thus, wage less work for the community as a potential to change the mindset of the offenders.

5. There is no need to use so many words (Another reason ….. is that). A simple MOREOVER will suffice. Moreover, while working for the community they learn humility and morality. When they teach elementary education to underprivileged children who can not afford school without any monetary incentive, they feel reformed.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that minor petty criminals should be made to do unpaid community service as it would will assist them in returning back to the society and while doing selfless work they will learn values which could change their behaviour.

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