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IELTS Essay Correction: Eat Too Much Junk Food.

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. 

Answer:

Different people have distinct sets of views, (wrong comma placement.) regarding giving education or not about impacts on health of eating too much junk food. (1) While some individuals believe educating them about the (the X of Y construction) side effects of junk foods will solve this problem, others believe it will not help as that (that is not an effective referencing device. It needs a noun to refer. that car; that food.is part of their diet. … others believe they are unlikely to change as it is their diet. (What is your view?)

1. Junk food needs to be placed before health to make sense of the sentence. Different people have distinct views regarding whether people should be educated about the impact on junk food on their health(Note the order of placement of objects. Note the use of weather instead of “giving education or not“.)

You need to work on framing optimum sentence structures. Sentence structure is not just about macro elements such as WHILE, ALTHOUGH, etc. It is about the right placement of subject, verb, objects.

On the one hand, educating people about the (the X of Y construction.) ill effects of eating junk foods food will help them to understand how badly it impacts some organs of the body. Because of eating burgers, which have a (a X of Y construction) high quantity of baking soda in bun, has efftected cholesterol level of many younsgters.(2) In America, for example, 40 percent of youths were suffering from obesity but by educating them about the (the X of Y construction) negative effects of these foods through advertising sources such as television commercials, distributing pamphlets, and displaying hoardings (Can you guess why I’ve struck these words off?) nearly 30 percent of youngsters stopped consuming it these foods and now they are fit and healthy. (3)

2. Wrong sentence construction: You can’t write because of eating burgers has impacted …. Why? Because the subject is YOUNGSTERS. “Because of eating burgers” is an object that you placed at the beginning of the sentence. You’ve flipped the sentence structure. Auxiliary verbs (is, are, has, have, etc) are placed next to the subject. Let us make EATING BURGERS a subject. Eating burgers has increased the cholesterol level of youngsters because a bun contains a high quantity of baking soda. OR Youngsters are suffering from high cholesterol levels since buns contain a high quantity of baking soda. (Note the placement of subject, auxiliary verb and objects.)

3. Note that our ultimate aim is to communicate the message clearly. Though you’ve written an example, it does not build an argument. After the second sentence, explain HOW education works. Don’t jump to the example. You may choose to skip the example if you’ve succeeded in developing the idea.

On the other hand, people are aware of the (the X of Y construction) negative effects of eating junk foods on health since their schooldays still education has not helped them to overcome this problem because of hectic working schedule they go through. (4) To feel relaxed from a monotonous (hectic is not the same as monotonous.) routine, people generally eat junk foods as part of refreshment to mood. (5) In India, for instance, after working the whole day individuals love to have social gatherings in the evening and the junk foods like pizza, pasta, and choupsey are the energy boosting dishes for most so they don’t stop themselves from having it. (Instead of explaining HECTIC in so many words, devote the previous sentence for this purpose as I’ve done in point number 5 below. Write a few words on EDUCATION to score well on TR.) 

4. You wish to connect the following ideas: people are aware of negative effects; education has not helped them; schooldays; hectic work schedule. Let us connect them in the following manner: On the other hand, though school education has made people aware of the negative effects of junk food, they are unable to overcome this problem due to a hectic work schedule.

5. After working for more than 12 hours in a day (= a hectic schedule), individuals feel the need to relax through sugar-filled, deep-fried, cheese-laden pizzas and burgers. Most of these people are graduates who work in multi-national corporations in megacities. Education has failed to solve the problem of junk food consumption.

In conclusion, although educating people about harsh (LR issue. Harsh is more related to cruel and unnecessary than to negative) impacts of junk foods on health will stop some, others will never stop eating them (one pronoun can refer to one noun only.) as they have not only become part of their daily life but also a source of an energy booster. 

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