Some people believe it is important to give gifts and presents to friends and family to show that we care about them. Others think that there are better ways to show affection to them. Discuss both the views and give your own opinion.
Different people have distinct sets of views regarding the way (manner) of showing affection towards friends and family. While some
individuals believe giving gifts and presents (1) is important as they show respect towards traditional (culture is traditional) culture (… respect towards tradition), others think spending time with friends and family is more worthy. I strongly believe with in (use the right preposition) the latter view.
1. You can even avoid the word ‘giving’. Write the sentence as: While some believe gifts and presents are important as ….
On the one hand, most
of the people feel connected with friends and family when traditional the (‘the X of Y‘ construction) culture of giving gifts and presents is followed among themselves. For example, in America, a recent survey showed 70 percent of Americans give gold ornaments as a gift to their mother on the (the X of Y) auspicious occasion of mother’s day. Failing to do so does not form a strong relationship between mother and children as it is considered disrespect towards mother for not obeying ancient (Let us keep culture as culture. Let us avoid using the words traditional and ancient with it.) culture. (2) Similarly, different countries celebrate various traditional festivals such as friendship day, father’s Day, and Bhai Dooj with their (whose friends and family? Country’s? THEIR does not refer to anything.) friends and family, in order to, show love and care. (But why is it important to give gifts on these occasions? Loss of TR in this paragraph.)
2. You’ve written an example but failed to explain HOW gifts make people feel connected. An example is not a substitute for an argument. You can choose not to write an example. But, you can’t omit a reasoned argument. On the one hand, most people feel connected with friends and family when they exchange gifts. Due to a busy lifestyle, they rarely get an opportunity to meet and spend time with each other. Only on a few occasions, such as marriages and birthdays, they get a chance to develop bonds. While greetings are soon forgotten, gifts are remembered for a long duration of time.
On the other hand, taking the time out of busy schedule to spend with friends and family is a more valuable way to show affection. (Please EXPLAIN how it is more valuable than gifts. Then write the example. Here is a one-sentence explanation. A gift, which is an inanimate object, can never replace the warmth of human touch and the smile of cracking jokes in a group.) For instance, in India, grandparents do not wish for gifts from grandchildren, old ones want to play, cook, and teach children to have everlasting joyful memories. (3) Moreover, friends
do (unnecessary word. Share is a verb. It does not need another verb.) share a strong emotional bond of understanding with each other; (need punctuation here. A semi-colon or a period,) so, companions they (why use a synonym when you can use a pronoun) do not believe in formalities like sharing gifts and presents. Thus, a better (necessary for task response) way of showing affection among them is by respecting the (“the X of Y” construction) thoughts and beliefs of each other.
3. Sentence structuring issue. When you want X and not Y, try using “X instead of Y” or “X rather than Y”. For example, in India, grandparents wish to play with their grandchildren and have everlasting memories instead of receiving gifts from them.
In conclusion, although giving gifts and presents is important to follow
culture cultural values, spending time and mutual understanding between friends and family members is are more important for not only making bonds strong but also creating happy moments.