Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Spend Money On Eliminating Cause Of Crime.

Some people believe that it is better to spend more money to eliminate the cause of crime, while others think that the government should spend more on punishment. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Due to the increasing divergence between the rich and poor, the crime rate is rising drastically. While some people believe that the government should spend more money on eradicating the causes, such as poverty and lack of education, to reduce crimes, others think resorting allocating more funds to the (the X of Y construction) development of strict punishment techniques (the question is about punishment, not punishment techniques.is more effective. (1) I agree with the former view.

1. Here is a tip to write a better sentence structure. In the construction – while X, Y – what is the element that is common to both X and Y? It’s ‘to reduce crime‘. Let us place it outside the construction: To reduce crime, while some people believe that the government should spend more money on eradicating the causes, such as poverty and lack of education, others favor allocating more funds for enforcement of strict punishment.

With the (it is not specific inflation) inflation in the economy, while the rich section is are gaining (accumulating) more money, poor people are not able to earn enough to manage their high living expenses. Due to this So, they commit crimes such as theft and chain snatching to get necessary money for survival. To overcome this (There’s too much of thisTo shape a peaceful and a crime-free society, the government should spend money (allocate resources) on creating schemes for the poor (that should be connected with schemesthat provide groceries, clothes and other daily necessities to them the poor at a cheaper cost and on (2) free skill development classes at government institutions. This These initiatives (3) not only ensures their survival, but also helps them to secure a decent job, which eventually eliminates the reason behind for (4) their involvement in criminal activities.

2. Parallelism: the government spends money ON 2 things – ON creating schemes …. and ON free skill development ……

3. Note that you have overused THIS. I do not recommend its frequent use. It needs a NOUN to exist. Just writing THIS will not suffice. You will have to write: this book, this event, this government. Note that I’ve written these initiatives.

4. What is the difference between REASON FOR and REASON BEHIND?

On the other hand, some sections of society think that death penalty and life long imprisonment to criminals can help to create fear in their minds and restrict deter (LR issue. Please check deter’s dictionary meaning.) them from committing any offense. (Where is the role of the government and resources? TR issue. – 5) When they know the harsh outcome of an illegal activity, they will turn to ethical ways of earning money. (That’s fine. But, how should the government spend money? TR issue.) For instance, when Dubai enforced a law stating death penalty to all the rape case convicts, rape crime dropped by thirty percent. Moreover, such long term punishments help in keeping criminals behind the bars for more time and, hence, prevent any chance of further crime. (Severe loss of TR in BP 2. The arguments are not developed due to this issue.)

5. On the other hand, some people think that if the governments spend sufficient money to enforce death penalty and life imprisonment, the incidence of crime will certainly fall. (Now explain HOW that money should be spent. The activities, I mean.) If they spend substantially on the best lawyers, the victims will receive excellent legal service and it will ensure the delivery of justice. Similarly, many criminals are released on parole simply because the state lacks resources to keep feeding them during incarceration. This reduces the fear of the law. The governments must ensure sufficient resources for jails so that criminals can complete their prison terms and justice is served.

To recapitulate, I believe, to curb heinous crimes in society, the government should invest in ways to solve the financial problems of poverty-stricken individuals since it forces them to indulge in crimes.

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