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IELTS Essay Correction: Local Shops Closing.

Many small local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this affect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

Answer:

With the rise of globalization, international trade has been (unnecessary use of been) increased and so has the business of supermarkets. This trend (it is more of a development than a trend.) has made the survival of local shops highly difficult (This development has made local shops financially unviable) which has a huge negative effect on the local communities (1) as it puts a financial burden on poor people, and disturbs the local economy. Cap on foreign investments and promotion of local products are the possible solutions of this issue.

1. There is an implicit way of writing. It is obvious that local economy refers to local communities. So, you can comfortably omit the former. This development has made local shops financially unviable and, thereby, reduces local employment (that is, local communities) and impacts the local economy adversely.

Small vendors are the source of (LR issue.) livelihood for many people. These businesses generally sell locally produced products which means a large section of the society gets employment from them. (The link is not clear. How are locally produced products linked to employment? Do other products not generate employment?) However, (Wrong use of however.) most of the supermarkets are based on the foreign trade. (2) Therefore, this results a significant loss to the local economy. (Gaps in ideas. How will supermarkets doing foreign trade impact the local economy unless they are in the local economy. – 2) Moreover, poor people can easily borrow money or household items from small shops which is not possible with supermarkets. In India, for instance, a majority of farmers are only able to return money twice in a year when they sell the yield of their crops. In the meantime, (This is an introducer) they just borrow all livestock from the local shops. Thus, the extinction of these vendors will impact their finances. (The second idea is better developed than the first.)

2. Let us write a comparative sentence: Unlike supermarkets, which source goods from large companies only, local shops procure them from local manufacturers who provide employment to people residing in that areaWhen the former replaces the latter, the local business is deeply impacted as not only the shop owners lose business but also jobs in local manufacturing units are lost forever.

The above-mentioned issues can be resolved with the active involvement of governments. To protect the local shops, there should be a strict control on the foreign investments so that local products should not be disappeared they can maintain their financial viability. (let us use they to refer to local shops. This idea is to protect local shops, stick to it.) A recent initiative of the government of India for being self-reliant is highly laudable because it will work as a savior to the small vendors with the promotion of indigenous products. (What about local shops, our topic?) The government of India, for instance, has imposed 18 percent Goods and Services Tax (GST) on supermarkets while local shops attract only 9 percent GST. Additionally, there must be a share of local brands in the foreign investments (Investment is not the same as supermarkets. LR issue. Also, the question is not about local brands but about local shops. TR issue.). This will not only helps help to monitor the price of products but also promotes promote the production of local items in that country.

To conclude, local communities are interlinked to the local trade. Therefore, to protect small vendors form overtake takeover by supermarkets, governments should enforce strict economic policies which will create new job opportunities instead of promoting the supermarkets that disturb the harmony of local societies.

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