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IELTS Essay Correction: Small Shops Unable To Compete With Supermarkets.

Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this affect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

Answer:

With the availability of supermarkets in an area, small shops are shutting down (1) due to heavy competition in the market, (2) as a result, local people not only lose their job but also pay extra money for the items they need. This issue can be revamped (LR issue. – 3) in numerous ways.

1. Are they shutting down right now? If you’re giving a general statement which was true in the recent past, is true in the present and is likely to stay true in the near future, prefer the simple present tense. With the availability of supermarkets in an area, small shops are forced to shut down due to ……… As a result, …..

2. This is the beginning of a new idea. You can’t simply connect two ideas using a comma. Please use a full stop or a semi-colon or ‘and‘.

3. Please avoid using the words you don’t understand completely. Often, the meaning of a word does not clearly convey its usage. Revamp refers to repairing something to improve it. How can you revamp and issue?

Although big departmental stores sell all the products, ranging from clothing to food items, under one roof, it (IT can’t refer back to plural subject stores) forces they force the local shops to shut down. This leads to an increase in the number of jobless citizens (4), which is a negative development for our society. As the shops close down, (5) there is a decrease in taxpayers, consequently, it affects a country’s economy. Moreover, since the market is solely controlled by supermarts, they can easily manipulate the price of a product and sell it at a higher price since (Used since twice in one sentence. – 6) they have to cover up the expenses such as rent of big premises, salary of employees, and high electricity bills. Thus, native consumers suffer from it (from what? IT does not have a clear reference. Make it clear.).

4. Though this word is NOT wrong, it is not the optimum word in this context. Please observe that the context does not demand reference of citizenship. It is a wide term and can’t be used to refer to local communities. How does the cropping up of supermarkets in New York impact an average American citizen in Connecticut? It leads to a large increase in joblessness at a local level and reduces the number of taxpaying citizens. This development impacts the local economy severely.

5. I don’t think this is the right order. You’ve connected joblessness with the shutting down of shops in the previous sentence. Now, connect taxpayers with joblessness and not with shops again.

6. It is often difficult, even for seasoned writers, to carry three ideas in one sentence. Let us create complex and compound sentences without making it a hard-to-read sentence. Moreover, the dominance of supermarts enables them to easily manipulate the price of products and sell them at a higher price. They do so to meet the high cost of employees, rent, and electricity. Thus, local consumers end up paying more for the same products.

The government should introduce a monetary benefit scheme for small shops to curb the above problems. Firstly, it should provide some amount of money to shop owners, so so that they can provide quality service to the customers which is competitive to that of a big (supermarket includes the word big) supermarket. (You’ve not explained the idea. What do you mean by quality service? They can, for instance, use that money to deliver goods at homes of customers.) Secondly, the government must collect less tax from small shops than from a supermart. (Not explained.) It can slash the tax rate on goods sold in small shops from 18 percent to 9 percent so that they can use these funds to stay afloat. Furthermore, it should keep a close check on the pricing of the products that are sold in a big store so that the local community does not have to pay extra even if they buy from these stores. (How? Can you explain this in one sentence?)

There are gaps in the development of task response. You could have developed the ideas better.

To conclude, since the closing of small shops in the area results in a rise in the price of the items, and loss of income for business owners, it poses a threat to a country’s economy. Thus, the government must protect local shops by providing a financial benefit to them.

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