Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Spending Time To Develop A Successful Career.

Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with family and friends is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

While some people think that more time should be spent on activities that develop a successful career since it ensures a hassle-free life ahead, others believe that more time should be spent with family relations and friends circle as they provide support in tough times. I prefer the latter view.

Spending time towards Devoting sufficient time to career growth ascertain ensures better financial condition of for the family. If a student, from a financially weak family, (this is not a modifier) spends more time on studying the core subjects of his university course, he will secure a decent job, which will pay him enough to improve the economic condition of his family. On the other hand, spending more time with family can bring mental peace but it (need a pronoun to refer back to spending more time with familycan never help him to get out of the financial crises. For instance, Vijay Shekhar, the founder of Paytm, was from a poor family had a poor financial background. (Numerous repetition of financial) To create a business of his own, he spent ten years away from the his family that helped him to concentrate on work and gain enormous money to eradicate his family’s poverty the financial difficulties of his family(Numerous repetitions of financial)

In contrast, some people argue I support the view that that spending time with (devoting time to; investing time in) family and friends is more (it is either essential or it’s not. There’s nothing more or less essential.) essential as they provide consistent support and love in times of distress. When an individual faces downfalls in his life, these relatives they come up and offer the required support without any greed. Studies have shown that while people who stay with their families family tend to have better mental well-being, others than those who live alone stay stressed in spite of being more successful in and choose to focus on their career. (Note that you’ve used TWO comparison structures: While X, Y; Better X than Y. Choose only one. Since I’ve suggested WHILE construction in the introduction, let us prefer “BETTER X THAN Y” construction here.)

To recapitulate, I believe that spending time on maintaining a healthy relationship with friends and family is essential since they coach (There’s nothing about coaching in the body paragraphs.) help (support) each other in every aspect of life.

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