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IELTS Essay Correction: Women Better At Parenting Than Men.

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that is why they have a greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view.

Give reasons for your answers and provide relevant examples and experiences you might have.

Answer:

Parenting is a really (wrong qualifier with ‘crucial’) (1) crucial task as the future of children is reliant on it. While one school of thought proposes that woman plays more pivotal (1) role in bringing up of children since her attachment is more with children than father has, (2) others and I propose I believe that both plays play the an equally vital role.

1. There are certain words that do not need a qualifier since they are themselves extreme. PIVOTAL, for instance, means CENTRAL. There can’t be anything which is MORE central. It is either central or not. Similarly, CRUCIAL refers to something extremely important or necessary. There can’t be something “REALLY EXTREMELY NECESSARY”.

2. Compare the attachment of a mother with the attachment of a father. You’ve compared the attachment of a mother with father. That’s a wrong comparison.

Mothers are less aggressive in nature even if their infants do tantrum and annoyed annoying activities, (3) they talk and guide them (5) very politely. Thereby, without being worried or hesitated, (4) children can comfortably discuss their obstacles either it problems related to either school or any other issue with mother and this will (why change the tense. Simple Present Tense is more appropriate in this context.) develops a strong bond between them. A survey by leading newspaper at K.G. school in Delhi has revealed that more than 70 percent of children disclose their problems with to their mothers and accept their (5) solutions. (This is not a strong example. It does not touch the topic’s core. How are women a better parent? In fact, the point on women being less aggressive is complete. You need not write more on it. Now, write another point and explain it. – 6) In this way, (Read the article on introducers. Link in point number 4.) mothers a mother supervises all activities of her children and not only stops them from wrong avenues but also imparts (a number of subject-verb disagreements. GR issue.) all moral values to make them lawabiding and responsible citizens.

3. You’ve not connected the 3 clauses properly. A> Mothers are less aggressive in nature. B> Even if ….. activities. C> They talk …. politely. Here’s the right sentence structure: Mothers are less aggressive in nature and, even if their infants do tantrums and annoying activities, they talk and guide very politely.” OR “Mothers are less aggressive in nature and they talk and guide very politely even if their infants do tantrums and annoying activities.

4. This has all the traits of an introducer. Please read my article on “introductory words“.

5. One pronoun can refer to one noun only. You’ve committed this mistake twice in the above paragraph.

6. Instead of writing an example unnecessarily, write another point. Idea 1 – Explanation 1; Idea 2 – Explanation 2. Your BP1 suffers from the lack of TR.

On the other hand, a father’s contribution to children’s development is found to be more effective when imbibing discipline, and the importance of hard work. The former thing teaches a lot to children (7) such as time management (need to place a connector between two clauses. Same mistake as in point 3. Try using ‘AND’ as I’ve done below in point 7.) this develops a habit of doing things like (no need of writing these words – 8) playing, and studying for at a particular time so that both these things (8) of them go parallel. The latter (What does this refer to?) tells there are no shortcuts to success (Missing connector. Same problem as mentioned in points 3 and 7. This is a frequent problem, please address it.) and only persistence efforts, , dedication and devotion can turn our dreams to reality.

7. Wrong placement of such as. Place it next to the word it exemplifies. Here, it gives example of children. It should, rather, exemplify something else. In fact, there is no need to write it. Also, there is a missing CONNECTOR. The former teaches time management to children and it develops ….

8. Note that playing and studying are not things. They are activities. Also, if your sentence’s focus is only on playing and studying, what is the need to write things? You could have conveniently avoided that.

To conclude, in spite of battling for who is best between mother and father, it is much better that both give their best to make their child a skilled and perfect person.

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