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IELTS Essay Correction: Thin Young Women As Ideal.

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of thin young women as being ideal. What problem has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue?


In the recent few (recent includes fewyears, many media channels have promoted slim women in their advertisements and inculcate in the mind of users that the slim presented their body is an ideal body. (1) As a result, a fat body becomes unacceptable in society, which increases discrimination among fat women. (2) The issue can be fixed by the government’s stringent rules for these advertisements.

1. There are multiple things at work here. Firstly, you need to develop parallelism – promoted and presented. Secondly, let us avoid the repetition of slim. Also, try writing in as few words as possible.

2. Can we avoid repetition of the word fat? Perhaps, by using a pronoun. Let us first write fat women and then use a pronoun. Also, try not to use as a result” in the introduction. It seems more like a conclusion. It has led to discrimination of fat women as their body types are considered unattractive and unacceptable.

Many organisations, to promote their product, describe slim women as more attractive and confident than chubby women, which changes the attitude of society towards them. They are not able to find a good (a suitable) match for their marriage since society prefers slim girls. Moreover, in a friend circle, they become a center of attraction and everyone around them starts cracking cracks jokes on their looks. This behavior (THIS needs a noun to make the right referencing. IT does not need a noun.) lowers their confidence and self-esteem, and, (need a comma here) in the worst cases, this it leads to depression and anxiety for some of them for some women.

The above problem can be addressed through quick action by the government authorities (government includes the word authoritiesto regulate those ads, which the advertisements that shows show slim bodies as ideal bodies. (In this context, that is a better choice than which. Can you guess the reason?) A message should be delivered to the viewers at the end of these advertisements that the physical appearance of a girl is not the only criteria that makes her ideal. Instead, there are many other factors that define her such as loving and caring nature, her and passion towards her work. For instance, due to stringent guidelines from the media regulator, (let us build context. Your point is on regulation.) an advert of a famous Bikini brand in Italy added a short clip at the end of the advertisement that a girl with a beautiful soul and lovely smile is an ultimate treasure of the world.

To recapitulate, the physical appearance of a woman should not be defined as an the ultimate criteria criterion (criteria is plural) to define her as an ideal woman. The government should introduce a law in for television commercials, who defined which present slim women as flawless, to add a short clip at the end to uplift all women.

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