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IELTS Essay Correction: Women Treated Equal To Men.

Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or military. Others think women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Different people have distinct sets of views regarding women applying for police or army jobs. While some think they should be treated equal (1) as they draw the same salary. O , others believe their physical fitness is not capable sufficient (enough) (2. LR issue. Humans are capable. Physical fitness can’t be capable.) for these jobs. I strongly (3) believe in the latter view. (Note the construction: “While X, Y”)

1. Incomplete context. Equal to whom? “They” refers to women only. Alternately, you can use “they” to refer to both men and women. Many people argue whether men and women should be treated equally while applying for the police and army. They (refers to men and women) ….

3. GR issue. Believe is a verb. You should add an adverb (-ly) to express its nature/ quality.

On the one hand, police or army jobs gives give (subject-verb disagreement) equal salaries and perks to men and women. When a policeman works in a high alert area, he and his family get facilities like jeep, flat, and driver. Policewoman should also get the same benefits on doing such tasks. (4) Moreover, the same responsibilities like working in night shifts, rural areas, and extreme cold weather should be assigned to army women.(4) For seeing best outcome of their performance as army man are judged on these basis. (Does not make sense. I can’t see the reasons.) To illustrate, in Srinagar, army men are tested for 10 days to do security work at the border where temperature falls to -10 degree celsius. Similarly, women should undergo the same strength test for getting the desired designation. (Ok. But why?) (4)

4. Yes, they should be given equal treatment. But, that’s the question. You need to give reasons why they should be treated equal with men. Loss of TR. I can’t see reasons in the above paragraph. Let us think of a reason – armed forces need more brainpower than brawn.

On the one hand, the police and armed forces have changed tremendously in the last few decades. They are increasingly becoming office jobs that require cracking cases instead of combating on the streets. In these roles, women are as capable as men. For instance, educated women can perform the roles of a forensic expert, an administrator, a general, an army doctor, and an engineer as skillfully as men can. ………….

On the other hand, making a long term career in the police or army jobs (can’t make a career in jobs. LR issue.) requires (I’ve shared a voice note on this issue. Subject-verb disagreement.) maintained physical fitness. When women give birth to a child, generally they are not considered fit for resuming physically demanding jobs. (let us be a bit specific about jobs.) As their body undergoes certain surgeries, they do not perform well in certain tasks like swimming, driving, and holding heavy guns. For example, in the Russian army, 50 armywomen failed the running test once they resumed work after taking 1-year child care holiday. Thus, as per the norms of work profile they were compelled to resign. Thus, they can not be considered equal to men for certain positions in the police and the armed forces. 

In conclusion, although women takes take equal salary in police or army jobs, being physically fit is of utmost importance for performing in these jobs. It will not only help them in strong career growth but also important for improve (parallelism issue. Make it parallel to help) the (the X of Y construction) safety of the whole country. 

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