It is better for young people to get advised from old people than from young ones. Do you agree or disagree?
(Compare similar things. You can’t compare advice from old people with young ones. Compare advice with advice.)
Juveniles lack sufficient experience (related to what?) and need to be told how to lead their life. (1) I
personally (‘I’ includes personally. You can’t think non-personally.) believe that seniors could better equiped equip them with practical and sound advice rather than young people.
1. Not the best connection between the two clauses. Please note that the LATTER is an EFFECT of the FORMER. This is a cause-effect relationship. ‘AND’ is not the best device in this context. Try “Since X, Y” construction. Since juveniles lack sufficient experience to deal with personal and professional matters, they need regular advice from different people.
Old people have the privilege of having invaluable experiences. Not all experiences need to be gained through trial and error.
Since young people often idolize and respect seniors and old people could pass their experiences in a delicate manner, youngsters could highly benefit from their advice, acheiving from life-long experiences, and not repeat the same mistakes. (That’s toooooo long and hard to read. Let us add not more than 2 clauses (thoughts) in one sentence. Also, instead of finding synonyms for old people (seniors, etc), use pronouns.) Since young people idolize and respect them and they have the capacity to pass their experiences in a delicate manner, their advice is readily accepted. (they, them, their refer to young people) Youngsters are often inexperienced in the domain of finance and they spend money recklessly on unnecessary items like expensive mobile phones. The elderly, on the other hand, have seen numerous economic problems and know the importance of saving money.
The paragraph is short and incomplete. You need to DEVELOP the argument. Think of a real-life situation where the elderly have invaluable experience – marriage (& divorce), financial matters, profession, conflict, etc.
It might be perceived that young people could advise their peers better (in which area?) since they keep abreast of the latest technology. (Young people can offer better advice in a few areas (fields) such as technology where the elderly do not have much exposure. (Idea 1) They know everything about the use of mobile phones, social media, and computers to stay connected with the entire world. The elderly, on the other hand, do not have any knowledge in these areas. Similarly, they can offer more meaningful advice (= better advice) to each other to find a suitable job. (Idea 2) To search an engineering job in Google and Microsoft, for instance, requires inputs about company culture, job expectations, and salary that only young employees can provide. The elderly do not have any information and experience in this domain.) It might be true in some respects, for example assisting them in choosing their prospective job. (2) However, if one wants to gain information in such specific fields, (which specific field? Write more specifically about JOB. I’ve done this above.) reputable specialists of each field are available to take advice from; irrespective of their age. In this case even generally, seniors are better in consulting. Hardly could young specialists equipped young clients with better advice compared with their seniors peers.
2. You have two ideas – latest technology and job search. Once you’ve written an idea, explain it completely. Then, and only then, write the next idea. I’ve tried to develop ideas favoring the need for an advice from youngsters and not from the elderly.
In conclusion, I
personally believe that since seniors are more reliable because of having more years of experience and young people respect them, it is better for them to get advice from old people.
The essay is too short. Please add more ideas and explanations. Also, I think you should have written a balanced essay. It is difficult to find and explain 4 points supporting the seniors. Similarly, it is difficult to find and explain 4 points supporting the youngsters. But, it is easy to find and explain 2 points for each of them.
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