Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: A Country’s Progress.

Some people think that a country’s progress is completely dependent on its economic success, while others believe that other factors are also important. What are the different factors contributing to the progress of a country? Do you believe that only one factor is important compared to others? 

Answer:

Different people have distinct sets of views regarding important factors for country’s development. While some think it totally depends on its economic success for providing the best facilities, others believe other (when you’ve named the factors, there is no need to write other. Also, it is a repetition.) factors like education and strict laws are also important. These factors are vital and I strongly believe they both are equally important as they are correlated to each other. (correlated = relationship between two things. There is no need to write ‘to each other’.) 

On the one hand, with an increase in the economy economic growth of a country, its currency‘s exchange value increases. This leads to the abundance of money which is utilized for providing better technologies in agriculture, transport, and infrastructure. While the farmers benefit from machines like tractors and harvesters, the commuters use bullet and metro trains to reach destinations comfortably. The standard of living of the citizens, thus, improves as they get the best results from the upgraded facilities provided by the government. As they eat food cultivated from its local famers, reach one place to another in less time, and cities becomes more clean and green. (Please mention things in a logical manner. After technologies, mention the direct benefits of technology (farmers, reach cities clean and green) and then mention the final benefit – the standard of living.) 

On the other hand, (1) factors like free education to poor children and strict laws for protecting women are also important (vital/ crucial) for the (the X of Y) success of a country. Firstly, when children are educated, they channelize their energy in doing constructive deeds for society such as helping elders in community works and not wasting preserving natural resources like water and minerals. Secondly, when strict laws are imposed against people who disobey women’s modesty, they the women (2) feel secured secure and safe. Thus, they (once you’ve written “the women”, this pronoun will have the right reference.) live freely and work efficiently and effectively in all fields of work (no need of writing this. Plus, word repetition.) such as medical science,and engineering.

1. “On the other hand” is not the best cohesion device in this context. It is better if you write: “Along with the economic might, factors like …….”

2. Please note that ‘they’ can’t refer to ‘women’ because women does not exist in the sentence. The object is “women’s modesty”, not women‘They’ refers, unintendedly, to people. That’s not your idea, I’m sure.

In conclusion, though an increase in economy economic power (might/ strength) provides a plethora of improved facilities for citizens, country’s success also depends on women empowerment and education as they not only help in building secure environment but also in giving best doctors and lawyers to a country. 

2 replies »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.