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IELTS Essay Correction: Problems And Benefits Of Being A Celebrity.

Being a celebrity such as a famous film star or sports personality brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

Answer:

Movie stars or sportsmen not only reap the immense benefits of their stardom but also face various a few (let us express limited hurdles. Various seems to send a message that there are a lot of hurdles.) hurdles. Despite having a lack of privacy due to constant media following, the benefit of enjoying a luxurious lifestyle is far greater than any drawbacks.

Sportspersons and film actors are constantly clicked (they click pictures, not actors.) chased by paparazzi even when they are sharing personal space with their family members. This is to say, t (1) They cannot lead a normal life like common people since their private matters are broadcast as sizzling news to the public. Especially, the news of their getting hooked up with someone or getting divorced is shown by adding misinformation, which further tarnishes their image. To exemplify, a famous sports tycoon Mike Tyson had (wrong tense. Use the Simple Past Tense.) faced hatred from his fans after his the news of being involved his involvement in sexual assault charges against 18 an eighteen years old girl model. However, (wrong use of however.I think that people would forget such news when new matters come forward.

1. Note that there is an implicit connection between the first and the second sentence (personal space – private matters). There is no need for an explicit cohesive device. Implicit connections are superior to explicit connections.

The glory of becoming a popular (a celebrity is popular) celebrity always comes with a lavish lifestyle in the form of fancy cars, luxurious mansions and a force of staff members to look after them. (No need to write this. Also, ‘them’ can’t refer to ‘a celebrity‘.) Having a colossal amount of money, (2) gives them a chance to enjoy every luxury of the world be it ranging from a personal jet or to acres of golf court in their homes (Try: ranging from X to Y.). On top of all, they have a secure future unlike many other people, who may never afford these amenities while doing 9 to 5 jobs. To substantiate, (Unnecessary use of connectors will hamper your CC score. Avoid this tendency. Use connectors only where necessary. There is no need of a connector between an idea and its explanation.) an American media personality and a businesswoman, Kylie Kristen Jenner, (missing connection. There is no verb to connect the subject and the object. – 3) net worth is US$ 1 billion and owns a flock of luxury cars and a private jet. I strongly believe that financial factor covers all other flaws of a bad reputationThe benefits of such financial might are far greater than the disadvantage of an occasional loss of privacy. (Note that in the implicit style of writing there is no need of writing “I strongly believe”. But, the reader understands that this is the opinion.)

2. Wrong punctuation. Your noun phrase is: “Having a colossal amount of money“. The verb is “gives“. There can’t be a comma between the subject and the main verb.

3. Restructure: KKJ, an American …… woman, has a net worth of ….

In conclusion, in spite of getting their personal lives disclosed in front of public, after being stalked by media persons, the benefit of having immense wealth and lavish lifestyles outweighs every disadvantage.

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