Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Success Measured By Wealth And Belongings.

Success is often measured by wealth and material belongings. Do you think wealth is the best measure of success? What makes a successful person?

Answer:

People who are rich and have a plethora of precious material belongings are commonly believed to be successful in their lives. I do not consider money to be the greatest criterion for measuring success, and think that successful (1) people are healthy, content, and happy in their lives.

1. Is there a better form of sentence construction that avoids the repetition of the word success? Let us make it the subject of the clause. Let us use “not X but Y” construction: I think that success should not be measured by the amount of material prosperity but by a person’s health and happiness.

Although money is required to buy all the material things, it cannot bring happiness and satisfaction in an individual’s life. It is undeniable that everybody strives for happiness, which is not based solely on becoming wealthy. (This is a repetition of the previous sentence. You need to explain why wealth does not bring happiness and satisfaction.) A person can purchase expensive houses, luxurious cars, and branded clothes, but these items do not ensure peace of mind and love between family members. (Now, to develop the argument, please explain what develops peace of mind and love.While spending quality time with family by playing games and having meals together ensures a strong bond among members, meditating regularly is vital for mental peace. (Why can’t wealth do this?) On the contrary, the pursuit of wealth not only reduces the free time a person has but also builds stresses. (Note the logical process of development of ideas.)

For instance, An article from the Economic Times published that Warren Buffet donated all his wealth and gave free advice to the young generation on investment since it gives him more happiness more than his wealth did. While he earned a lot of money by doing immense hard work, it did not guarantee contentment. (I can’t see the reason. Why the money did not generate contentment?) Therefore, I believe that success should not be assessed in terms of money and materialistic possessions as an individual can be rich, but not always happy with his life.

Several factors contribute to making make a person successful. Firstly, healthy relationships with family and friends bring happiness as without them life becomes stressful. A scientific report has proved that eighty percent billionaires are vulnerable to mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety because they were are always indulged in work due to which they ignored basic things, such as spending time with friends and families, that bring happiness in their lives. (2) Moreover, people should opt for the career of their interests so that they do not have the feeling of dissatisfaction while doing their job, which eventually impacts their mental health. (3) Furthermore, health is another factor that is unavoidable for a successful life. Only if a person is healthy, he can work hard to achieve success. (Let us combine this idea with the previous one. See point number 3.)

2. This sentence is tooooo long. It is hard to read. There are multiple clauses. Let us divide into easy-to-digest parts without losing complex sentence structure. scientific report has proved that eighty percent of billionaires are vulnerable to mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety because they are always indulged in work. They often ignore friends and family that bring happiness in their lives.

3. That’s squeezing too much in one sentence. Same problem as highlighted in point number 2. Moreover, people should opt for a career of their interest so that they do not feel dissatisfied while working. Even if there is a lot of material prosperity, a lack of job satisfaction builds mental stresses which impact the health of an individual. Only with a healthy body can a person be considered successful.

To conclude, money is not the best measure of success because a person is successful only if he leads a happy and contented life. For this, he must have a good family, health, and satisfying career.

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