Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Thin Young Woman As Ideal.

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of thin young women as being ideal. What problem has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue?

Answer:

The powerful impact of media (1) has created the image of thin young women as being ideal in the last few years. This, (punctuation mistake. There is no need of a comma here.) concept has caused problems like lack of nourishment and social anxiety disorders in young women. The A possible remedy can be a balanced diet along with regular exercise and counseling sessions to reduce depression.

1. How can media’s IMPACT create an image? MEDIA can. Not its impact. It doesn’t seem right. Also, there is no need of using the word image. You can write this sentence as: “During the last few years, the television, print and internet media have presented thin young women’s body as ideal.”

Media, especially electronic media, (need commas before and after – to express a slight pause.) has played an instrumental role in motivating people to remain healthy (let us stick to the topic. Your idea is that the ideal body type leads to diseases. Let us stick to that.) in shaping people’s perception about the perfect body. The image of thin young women has been promoted idea but Young women are motivated to stay lean and, in order to achieve target weight, young females they (refer back to young womenpractice dieting without consulting dieticians or gym instructors, this, affects biological need of body. (2) Females They, as a result, suffer from weakness and face a lot of complications in during pregnancy due to this practise (= as a result). Proper guidance from professionals can solve this issue as it will transform the body to required weight with through a systematic combination of physical exercise and meals that contains nutrients, rich fiber essential for the human body. (Professional advice on the right physical exercises coupled with a perfect, nutrition-based diet plan can help avoid this problem.) For instance, proper optimum (you’ve used the word proper in the previous sentence.) body mass index is achieved only through diet and workout whereas dieting skipping meals causes ill effects on body as per medical guidelines.

2. Do not try to squeeze too many ideas into one sentence. This will make it hard-to-read. Also, the impact of reducing weight is a fresh idea that needs to go in the next sentence.

Another outcome of media promoting slim young ladies as ideal is, that, that (wrong comma placement) overweight women feel depressed. They, (wrong comma placement) stop attending social (avoid word repetition) gatherings and parties due to social anxiety disorder caused because of overweight. Interactive sessions and proper counseling should be promoted provided in such group of females to them (use a pronoun to refer back to overweight women.to ensure mental stability. For example, interactive sessions on weight control should be promoted in kitty parties with the active involvement of health care professionals (3) keeping in mind due to the emotional importance of the topic.

3. Note that “keeping in mind …. topic” is not a part of the main sentence. Gramatically, it does not connect with any part of the sentence. Who is keeping in mind? It is not clear. It is better to write “due to”

To conclude, being slim with proper nourishment and mental balance is most essential for young women and, thus, guidance from professionals and an optimistic approach of media is vital.

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