Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Medical Surveys Of Treatments.

Nowadays there are many medical surveys of treatments to reduce health problems. Who should conduct them, government, individuals or private companies, in your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your experience.

Answer:

In today’s time, the a plethora of medical surveys of treatments are going on to reduce issues related to health cure diseases such as cancer, diabetes, and heart ailments. I strongly believe the government should conduct these surveys as they have abundant money and land.

NOTE: Before writing this essay, you must think about MEDICAL SURVEYS. These include door-to-door information collection for diseases such as cancer, heart ailments, liver problems, weak eyesight etc. Why should the government survey the treatments of these diseases? Only because it has the resources? Well, the primary job of a government is to ensure the good health of its citizens. It must do these surveys to ascertain the quality of treatment in public and private hospitals.

While individuals or private companies do not have enough money for conducting medical surveys, governments do (unnecessary auxiliary verb. ‘HAVE’ serves the purpose.) have such money sufficient financial resources as it is there their responsibility to take care of its (‘its’ can’t refer to the plural subject – governments) their citizens. Expenses that are needed to be taken care (unnecessary words.) such as electricity bills, staff salaries, and buying the latest equipments for smooth outcome of surveys (1). Moreover, local authorities have data on people living in a specific area. They can easily take feedback (Medical surveys are not about feedback.) gather information from these people whereas other organizations need to collect information about the number of people living in a particular area. (2)

1. Incomplete sentence: Expenses such as A, B, and C. This is not a complete sentence. It includes only a subject and its examples. Missing verb. Expenses such as A, B, and C are so huge that only governments have the capability to undertake them.

2. This idea is a bit blurry. If they have the information, there is no need to collect data. Be clear about the information’s nature. Moreover, local authorities have readily available data on the people visiting nearby hospitals. In Chandigarh, for instance, the administration regularly collects information from medical colleges and hospitals such as the PGIMER. This makes it easy for the officials to visit the patients and determine the quality of treatment in these institutions.

Furthermore, governments have a vast area for conducting medical surveys. They have properties where officials can conduct the sessions regarding views about the different therapies of a disease. Governments A government’s main objective is helping people so they provide facilities such as cark park, water, rest in private rooms for free. They can also provide facilities such as access to toilets, drinking water, nutritious food to the survey teams. On the other hand, individuals or private companies charge people for these facilities as they take land on lease and purchase items at market prices. Their main motive is to generate business by charging people on participating in these medical surveys.

I guess that if you remove the unnecessary words, your essay will fall short of 250 words. Also, the arguments need to be developed more conclusively. 

In conclusion, although individuals or private companies might may have better professionals executives, taking into the consideration of expenses and availability of widen space, the government is a better option better equipped for conducting medical surveys. They (‘THEY’ can’t refer to singular subject ‘government’.) not only help to do things for free but also seriously work on feedbacks.

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