When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Compensation (This is not the same as salary. LR issue.) can be the most vital consideration while selecting a job , (1) . I partly agree with the above point.
1. You can’t separate two independent clauses through a comma. That’s a punctuation (GR) mistake.
The introduction is too short. Please write more and MENTION the points you plan to discuss in the body paragraph.
While considering a job, many people give a lot of importance to the amount of salary as it helps them meet regular expenses. I think job satisfaction is also a significant factor as an employee wants an enabling work atmosphere and a brighter future prospect.
Many people think money plays a primary role in running day to day house activities
for example – such as (2) paying rent and utilities bills , and buying grocery , etc. Money is involved in everything. (This does not add any value. You’ve already said this in the first sentence of the paragraph.) As a result, individuals highly emphasize on the salary amount which they can earn while doing job because good salary can help to cover their financial expenses and lead them to live a satisfactory life. (You’ve already stated this in the first sentence of the paragraph.) On top of it, people can also live a lavish life , i . If they can (IF includes a possibility. CAN also refers to a possibility.) earn a handsome amount of salary, they can go for vacations and buy expensive houses and cars , t . This, in turn, will help them to live their dreams. (A lot of punctuation mistakes. You’ve wrongly placed commas. GR score will suffer.)
2. While ‘for example’ is used to give an example in a separate sentence, ‘such as’ is used to give an example within a sentence.
The BP 1 is short of words and there is a repetition of sentences. I guess you’ve not developed the idea properly before writing the paragraph. For example, the first idea could have been better developed as: Many people think that money plays a primary role in running day-to-day expenses such as rent, groceries, and utilities. Since, for a significant number of people, salary from a regular job is the only source of income, they expect it to be sufficiently large to meet these expenses.
On the other side of the coin, there are
other (No need of this word. Also, it is a repetition) important factors too which can’t that can not be ignored while selecting a job. Firstly, workplace culture and personal relationships which (Unnecessary and wrong use of which) also play a vital role in the decision making of a new role (‘New role’ is not the same as a ‘job’). (Firstly, workplace culture and personal relationships play an instrumental role in job satisfaction.) For example – , a supporting manager or friendly colleagues not only keep an employee happy but also can (keep is parallel to enhance) enhance their productivity. Secondly, Job satisfaction (Note that the previous point was also about job satisfaction. – 3) is very important while working , a . At the end of the day, an employee should attain a sense of accomplishment with his work which comes from the skills you he learned, the position you he reached in the company rather than the money you he earned. Finally, some people are passionate to help society and they spend their all life to serve society it by doing volunteer work , f . For example – , Mother Teressa, she served humanity for entire life. (Poor punctuations. The last idea is not clear. How is it related to ‘salary not a motivating factor’. Mother Teresa was not an employee of a company. TR issue.)
3. Secondly, more than money, employees search for a sense of accomplishment in a job through future prospects. (EXPLAIN ‘future prospects’ in the next 2 or 3 sentences.) They are interested in the skills they learn at work as these are vital for a long and successful career. Also, they choose a job based on the possibility of promotions. For example, I decided to work for my current employer after learning that the present CEO of the company joined it 20 years ago at my salary and position.
In Conclusion, Money is not the only
single (only = single) entity (It is not an entity. LR issue.) that needs to be considered while selecting a job , t . There are other important factors too that plays play an equally important role.