Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Teachers Have Bigger Influence Than Parents.

When children start school, teachers have a bigger influence on their academic and social development than their parents. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion and relevant examples.

Answer:

School going young children have a bigger impact of teachers (Impact is always ‘ON’. – 1) on their life both academically and socially. (Sentence structure needs to be changed. See 1.) I strongly believe this is because they have better teaching facilities and conduct fun activities for children.

1. Teachers have a greater impact on children’s academic and social life than parents have.

While parents teach children using old methods such as cramming from notebooks, teachers use adopt (avoid repeating use) new (exciting/ innovative) ways like smart classes. (Can’t be singular. If you want to write singular nouns, use an article. … a new way like a smart class.) With animated video classes, they learn the names of animals, plants, and flowers. These videos have an everlasting impression on their mind as brain store images in it (brain stores image in mind? or brain stores image in brain? Seems confusing. – 2). For example Similarly, (3) in Convent schools, slides about national heroes are specially prepared for young ones by teachers so that they can learn the names of leaders through famous slogans and dress sense. (Can we bring parents in this sentence? Make a comparison with teachers? – 4.) Thus, with the latest technology available to teachers, children learn subjects more efficiently and effectively.

2. Restructure: When children watch animated videos, their brains quickly store the images along with names and characteristics of animals, birds, and flowers.

3. Note that this is NOT an example. This is something similar to the previous sentence. While the previous one was on animals, etc, this one is on national heroes. The right cohesive device is ‘similarly’.

4. Let us write a sentence in which parents and teachers are compared: Similarly, unlike parents, teachers in convent schools prepare slides of national heroes using slogans and dress codes so that children can learn their names easily.

Furthermore, unlike parents who are mostly busy in earning money and doing household works, (I like the comparison. Good job!) teachers, as the part of their job, (this is an interrupter. Place it within commas.) organise fun activities so that children can learn presentation skills and develop confidence present themselves in front of classmates. Through these activities such as celebrating (5) birthdays, festivals, fancy dress competitions, (Correct construction: Through X, Ythey interact with each other and it helps (wrong verb form) them to overcome shyness of being introvert. Moreover, teachers often conduct sessions with senior professors (something missing here. These are not well connected.) by this so that young ones learn certain gestures such as how to greet, offer sweet, saying goodbye. (Bad parallelism. Also, you’ve used such as several times. You need not write it always. ….. learn the gestures of greeting, offering sweets and saying goodbye.) This behavior is utmost crucial in maintaining social attributes (which attributes?) throughout life.

5. The word ‘celebrating‘ seems common for all. But, you can’t celebrate ‘fancy dress competitions’.

In conclusion, in my opinion, though parents provide basic facilities for living to children, (6) academic studies and social etiquettes are learned taught (teachers are not learning. They are teaching.) by teachers in a better way as they are not only professionally trained but also have numerous resources to teach.

6. Here’s a tip you’ll rarely receive. THOUGH is a great construction of compare two ideas. But, in ‘though X, Y’ construction, you need to ensure that the first words of X and Y can be compared. This will not count as a serious mistake, but parents are not comparable to academic studies. They can be compared with teachers. In conclusion, though parents provide children basic facilities for living, teachers are better equipped to deliver education and social etiquettes as they have abundant resources and are professionally trained for this job.

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