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IELTS Essay Correction: Every Individual Responsible For Happiness.

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Happiness is the primary goal of human beings and they keep striving strive (Strive is a verb. You do not need another verb – keep – to use strive.) for it. While some people believe that, (wrong comma placement. There is no need of a punctuation here.) individuals have the capability to keep themselves a happy and I concur with this view, others utter think (1) money and social relationship are the main factors for happiness (2).

1. Utter, as a verb, refers to speaking something. ‘Others‘ are not speaking. They just think or believe.

2. Here is a technique to stop word repetitions. Note the NOUN that repeats in the text (happiness), and make it the subject. Then, use a pronoun to refer back to the subject. While some people believe that happiness is a result of an individual’s capability and I concur with this view, others think that it is an outcome of money and social relationships.

Many experts utter think inner peace is the core quality which makes an individual happy. People with calm mind can handle the stressful and complicated conditions peacefully. Such people control their brain from moving from one thought to another (Such people an protect their brain from distraction and …..) and do not crammed cram it with fruitless thoughts. (Word repetition: thought) Therefore, they not only comfortably deal with worse circumstances but also emerge stronger from them (= worse circumstances) win the situations (You can’t WIN a situation.) and the result is that they remain happy around the clock. Furthermore, some individuals have the capability to bounce back promptly to normal conditions after losses or negative events and this becomes the source of their happiness. (Let us link this with the topic.) They do not remain attached so deeply with past sorrows or grief and always look forward with positive outlooks to fulfill their desires.

On the other hand, money is considered a major external source of happiness by a lot of people. As it is necessary important to buy prerequisite things (3) necessitities such as food and shelter therefore (Do not use therefore with As) , people believe that those who has have immense bank balance can live their lives more happily. Moreover, social resources are also a key factor of happiness. Even if though ample (ample is uncountable in nature; people are countable.) people have limited material resources, they have a strong bond and good understanding with family and partner which make their life more enjoyable.

3. LR issue. Prerequisite refers to something that is necessary for another thing to happen. Scoring 99 percent is a prerequisite for admission to Harvard University.” In this context, you can use prerequisite as: Food, clothing, and shelter are prerequisites for happiness and these things can only be purchased with money.

To conclude, internal and external factors both are necessary for people to remain happy. (This is a place for YOUR view. This is not your view.) Although the former exists in every person and it depends on them how to they activate it, the latter reliant (external factors do not rely on others. Others rely on external factors.) on others so it does not remain steady and keep on change with circumstance.

Strengthen your view in the conclusion by comparing it with the other view.

To conclude, external factors such as money, luxury can never be a permanent source of happiness. They can only excite a person for some time. happiness can be eternal only if a person is happy from inside.       

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