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IELTS Essay Correction: Proportion Of Older People.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. 

Answer:

In many parts of the world, the living (Percentage can never be living. The percentage of living people.) percentage of older people is steadily rising (consistently rising/ continuously rising) showing steady peak. While some believe it is good as they help in the lowering the incidence of crime down of crime cases committed by youngsters, others think they are eating up the wealth of a country. I strongly support in (unnecessary preposition) the latter view. 

On the one hand, in today’s time, when parents are busy in earning a significant amount of money for their children, old people, being jobless, spend maximum time with them (Pronoun mistake. The former their refers to parents, the latter to children. You can comfortably omit the former pronoun.) and helps help in their upbringing. They make them (Who makes whom understand?) understand the basic principles of a life, cultural beliefs, and respect towards religion. (Let us use the pronoun they to refer back to children. On the other hand, in today’s time, when parents are busy earning a significant amount of money for children, old people, being jobless, can spend maximum time with them and help in their upbringing. They can learn the basic principles of life, cultural beliefs, and respect towards religion.) Owing to that, they channelize their energy in doing constructive works for a society such as forbidding the use of drugs, helping elders, and obeying laws of a country. Lessons taught by aged people to youths have a great (tremendous) positive impact on their lives and, hence, the percentage of juvenile delinquency decreases.

On the other hand, unlike middle-aged people, old ones are unemployed and, hence, does do not have any source of income. For daily expenditures, they rely on pension money, which is given to them by the government. This (Since you’re suggesting an alternate use of this money, it is better to use INSTEAD.) Instead, this money can be used for the betterment of a country like in by improving school infrastructure, renovating old buildings, and constructing highways. Thus, some people believe that old people just sit idle and does not do anything do nothing constructive for a country. They are just wasting the (Use an article to refer back to ‘a country’ mentioned in the previous sentence.) country’s money, which is of utmost importance for doing the introducing/ bringing an effective change in a country(There is no need to write ‘a country’ again. If you want to write it, prefer a pronoun “IT” to refer back to ‘a country’.)

In conclusion, although old people teach basic human values to children, they are not productive for boosting a country’s economy. This is not only making a country (The use of present continuous is incorrect. Can you guess why?) not only makes it poor but also depriving prevents it from competing to compete (Preposition rules: deprive of; prevent from. Deprive to = incorrect.) globally in various fields such as sports and education.

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