Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Participate In Organised Group Activities.

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Answer:

Some people believe that parents should motivate their children to utilise free time by taking part in constructive group activities since they are aware about strengths and weakness of them (sounds weird.) (Paraphrasing refers to restatement or rewording with some changes in structure. Some people believe that since parents are aware of their children’s strengths and weaknesses, they should motivate the children to participate in constructive activities.). Others people think that children should occupy themselves as it will help them to follow their dreams to achieve success. I support the latter view.

On the one hand, parents know the areas of their children’s strength and weakness as they spend most considerable time with them. They can wisely teach them to take part in certain activities which can help them to impart imbibe/ learn the necessary skills. (IMPART is the wrong word in this context.) (I can’t see the role of ORGANIZED activities. Loss of TR. They can wisely guide them to participate in academic activities such as group discussions and team sports like football (= organized group activities) during free time to teach them the values of cooperation and coordination. Solo activities like reading books, in contrast, promote the spirit of competition and envy.) For instance, when I was in fifth grade, my father motivated me to join cricket since he saw a sports-man inside me. It helped me to sharpen my cricket skills at an early age, which is the reason why I am playing state-level cricket. (Is cricket an organized group activity? Please stick to the question. Also, did you learn it in your free time? Loss of TR.)

On the other hand, I believe that if children are set free to do anything, they will follow their dreams and achieve success in their life. (Please develop the idea before jumping to the example.) Forcing them to engage in group activities may backfire sometimes. If a child is passionate about writing, she will never become a professional cricket player even if her parents compel her in this group activity. For instance, Sachin Tendulkar, a very famous cricketer, had chosen chose (wrong tense. This is NOT the past of past.) his career without any interference of his parents. In an interview, he said his parents wanted him to join Tennis. (This is not an organized group activity.) If he had followed the advice of his parents, he would never be as famous as he is today.

To recapitulate, although some parents argue that they should encourage children to take part in team activities, I believe that children will become more successful if they learn to utilize their time wisely according to their own aspirations.

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