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IELTS Essay Correction: Serious Health Problems Due To Overweight.

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

Answer:

Obesity is one of the important risk factors which can result in numerous lifestyle disorders. The rise in the (note the construction: THE X OF Y.count of individuals prone to health issues, owing to their increased body weight, has been observed. (Cohesion can be improved by using a pronoun that refers to OBESITY in the first sentence. During the last few decades, (an introducer) the number of people suffering from it (referencing) has been increasing due to (connector) a sedentary lifestyle and hectic work schedule.) The main causes for this trend are sedentary lifestyles and hectic work schedule. (This sentence can be avoided by merging it with the previous sentence. Note the sentence structure I’ve built to merge the two.) To tackle this issue, educational awareness regarding healthy lifestyle should be raised among the masses.

There are sentence structuring and cohesion issues in the above paragraph.

One of the reasons of for being obese is the (note: THE X OF Y construction.) lack of physical activity in daily routines. In other words, (These connecting words are not necessary to build cohesion. It is obvious that the second sentence in a paragraph is an explanation of the first sentence, which is generally an idea statement.) people remain seated for most of the time in a day, working on computers rather than engaging in any physical work. (Complete the idea. Does this lead to obesity.) As a result, while they keep consuming calories through food, soft drinks, and sugar, they fail to burn them through exercise and excess calories deposit as fat. Another reason is the busy working schedule of people nowadays, (comma is not required here. Punctuation issue. GR.) owing to cut-throat competition in all the fields. Working professionals are putting their health at stake, (a comma is not required. Punctuation issue. GR.) in order to excel in their carriers. (You can merge the previous two sentences. Moreover, due to cut-throat competition, working professionals are compelled to work over-time and this puts their health at stake.(This idea, like the previous one, is not sufficiently explained. This will hamper your TR score.) They rarely find time for jogging, yoga or walk and this lack of physical movement makes them obese. Additionally, it has been noticed that even in their leisure time people choose to watch TV or surf the internet instead of doing exercise or playing any outdoor game. A survey has been done by a health magazine, which showed that people who spend one hour daily in gym are at 50% less risk to have heart disease in contrast to ones who do not go to gym. (Wrong example. Are the number of obese people increasing? The question is on “growth in overweight people”. According to a survey by the Hindu newspaper, the number of obese people have increased by more than 50% since the country was opened under the program of globalization. It found that people are working more than 10 hours a day and this leaves no time for taking care of the body.)

The solution to combat the issue of being overweight for this problem (use a device to refer back to the previous sentence. This builds cohesion.) is to make people aware of the significance of spending a few hours daily to do some kind of engage in (use the optimum words. LR issue.) physical work. To begin with, (You’ve already begun with the first sentence. This is redundant, unnecessary. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, the second sentence is an explanation of the first sentence. There is no need of a cohesive device.) children in schools should be encouraged to participate in sports and athletics. (How? Explain the idea. Develop the argument. TR issue.) There should be regular sports competitions between schools in which participation by all children should be mandatory. Moreover, companies should organize events to engage their employees in outdoor projects on a regular basis including marathons, sports, community service (How will community service help avoid obesity? TR issue.) etcetera. Also, the government can take some measures such as conducting rallies, awareness camps, free health check-ups to educate the general public regarding the ways to keep their weight in check.

In conclusion, living a sedentary lifestyle and giving less time to physical activity has led to an increased number of obese people. However, educating people them (= obese people. Reference to the previous sentence.) regarding the importance of daily exercise can help to resolve this problem.

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