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IELTS Essay Correction: Boys And Girls Attend Same School.

Some people think that boys and girls should attend school together. Others feel that they should be educated separately. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Answer:

In an egalitarian society today, where men and women have equal rights, (1) it is still in discussion (How can it be a subject of discussion in an egalitarian society? That’s a LR issue.) if the schooling for boys and girls must be done separately or in a combined manner. A gender-balanced classroom supports more comfort between students in their future years, while it allows less distraction if classes (Are these classes of different genders? It is not clear. TR issue.) are conducted in different buildings (while it allows lesser distraction if they are educated separately.). In my opinion, learning jointly has more pros than cons.

1. See voice notes for sentence structure’s explanation. Today, in an egalitarian society, where men and women have equal rights, many people believe that children of both genders should study in the same schools. A few orthodox people think that to prevent unnecessary distraction from education they should be taught in different schools. I agree with the former view.

Confidence in a child is built during minor years in life. When the opposite gender (2) is collaborating (studying together is not the same as collaborating. LR issue.) (Also, prefer the Simple Present Tense.) on the school premises, a sense of ease is developed due to (WHEN plays the same role as DUE TO.) their interactions. (When boys and girls interact on school premises, a sense of ease is developed. Their hesitance for the opposite gender is eliminated when they collaborate in plays, games, class-assignments and they comfortably communicate with each other.)  For example, when a boy gets admission to a co-education from a boys’ school, it takes him a year or two to get comfortable with girls. (This is not an example. Also, you need to explain the “sense of ease” – the idea you raised in the previous sentence. Note how I have done this above.) Because the child gains comfort (comfort from what? TR and LR issue.) during the adolescent years, he finds it easier to adapt to talking to the other gender, and finds it less challenging, than a grown-up of 20 years or more. (How is this sentence related to the question?) As our personality in the majority (How is “personality in the majority”? Wrong placement of words. LR issue.) is mostly developed during the teen years, such experience is a necessity during school days. (The idea is not explained. How is personality developed in co-educational schools? EXPLAIN it. TR issue.) Moreover, the working class today needs comfortable interaction with female colleagues, and the shyness built from younger years can be challenging to overcome for a clear conversation. (How is this related to co-educational schools? Again, lack of TR and LR.) For instance, it is common to have a female manager in an organization these days, and the interaction between the subordinate and a manager needs to be free from any hesitation. 

2. The opposite of which gender? When you write “THE opposite gender”, you mean the opposite of the gender mentioned previously. But, you’ve not mentioned any gender. That’s a GR issue.

On the other hand, it (“IT” is not the best subject in this context. Sentence structure issue. On the other hand, single-sex schools help students focus solely on study without unnecessary distractions of the opposite sex.) contributes to a focused study in the absence of a co-education school single-sex schools, and there are greater chances to score better grades. In co-educational schools, there (missing context. TR.) is a high possibility for youngsters to divert their focus towards the opposite sex and give a second priority to their studies. For example, the Hindi movie ‘School Days’, which is based on a real-life story, closely depicts how a young boy gets in a relationship only to destroy his entire career. (A poor example. Weak in specificity. Loss of TR. How did he destroy his career? How was a co-educational school responsible. Plus, you need to write about the benefits of single-sex schools. Not the disadvantages of co-educational schools.) As those are a few of the crucial years in the life of a young individual, it can be given less priority.

Example: For example, a study in the USA has found that the marks of students in single-sex schools are ten percent higher than marks of those in co-educational schools. The study attributed this to students of co-educational schools spending several after-school hours with the opposite sex instead of doing homework.

To conclude, studying in a co-ed school provides exposure to the opposite gender, which can be beneficial in varied forms in the long run, whereas a school accommodating a specific gender may only improve the grade of its students.

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