Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Specialise In Limited Subjects OR Study Many Subjects?

Some systems require students to specialize in a limited range of subjects from the age of fifteen. Other systems require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of the two education systems and which is better?

Answer:

Different countries have the (wrong placement of the article THE) different education systems. In some parts of the world school students are required to study only a few subjects so that they can gain an expertise and utilize their time effectively. However, in others, they study numerous subjects which help them to identify their interest and to broaden their horizons. I believe that the latter technique is more advantageous than the former. 

The study of limited subjects from the age of fifteen helps students to become an expert in a specific field. They need not to spend their valuable time and effort learning about the subjects which are not useful for their career. (Whoa! Hold it. The second sentence is a repetition of the first sentence. Just the words are opposite. If the first sentence is a +, the second is a -. The second sentence is NOT an explanation of the first. You need to EXPLAIN how “the study of limited subjects” helps them become an expert. – 1) For instance, the study of history is completely irrelevant for a student who wants to pursue his career in the engineering field. (Okay. But, what is the benefit of focusing on engineering? You are digressing.) Therefore, he can utilize the time wisely to understand the basic as well as advanced concepts of engineering rather than devoting time on unimportant subjects. (The idea is NOT explained. See 1 below.)

1. Rewrite: The study of limited subjects from the age of fifteen helps students become an expert in a specific field. They work with a laser-sharp focus in their area of interest and gain sufficient knowledge and experience to pursue it as a career. For example, a student of plumbing gathers enough knowledge through theory and practice at a young age so that she can become a certified plumber and earn a livelihood. This is possible only if she focuses completely on plumbing without unnecessary distractions of other subjects such as history or mathematics. Studying all subjects prevents a student from focusing her efforts in one domain. (Last sentence = comparison)

On the other hand, learning about the general subjects during school has its own benefits. Firstly, it is undeniable that children at the age of fifteen are incapable of taking any critical decision like selecting the an appropriate career path. This means that they should study the wide range of subjects to identify their area of interest once they complete the school. (The explanation seems a bit lacking. Can you explain more? Just one more sentence with some specificity.) She needs exposure to history, biology, accounting, and other subjects to make up her mind. Secondly, the fundamental knowledge about all the general subjects has an immense importance in the daily routine of everyone. The basic understanding of medical science, for example, enables people to provide first aid to a person in an emergency situation. Expertise in a specific domain at a young age prevents children from gaining this indispensable knowledge about different domains. (Last sentence = comparison)

To conclude, although the education system, which focuses on the limited subjects, helps students to secure the desired job more easily, I believe that the system of teaching all subjects is more beneficial for the improvement of general knowledge (You’re not improving general knowledge) improving students’ general knowledge and finding one’s passion. the generation of passion in one domain.

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