Computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classroom. Discuss both views and give your opinion. (I can’t see two views in this question. The statement is incomplete.)
With the advent of technology, computers have taken over
to replace human’s humans’ roles (1) and responsibilities. Computer’s engagement in the education sector (Let us use a pronoun to refer back to the previous sentence. No need to write in so many words. This will also help increase your cohesion.) This trend/ It has raised a question on the diminishing interaction (2) of between teachers with and students. Some opine that a teacher’s presence in classrooms is paramount for a child’s academic growth, while others argue that computers may be the only source to educate youngsters. In my opinion, even though intricate computer systems are designed to impart knowledge, the participation of teachers cannot shrink. (Alternate sentence structure with DESPITE: In my opinion, despite the growing importance of computers, the role of teachers in education is indispensable.) (can not shrink = indispensable. LR issue.)
1. The right construction is “X take over Y”. Y = humans’ role.
2. The correct construction is “interaction between X and Y”. Not “interaction of”.
Artificial intelligence (3) is the most significant factor in improving the a computer’s understanding of a student. While When (4) a student may enter their enters her solutions on a computer and gets an immediate response, they she also gets errors committed and the workaround to solve their her mistakes. The computer also supplies with additional resources to refer for reference (can you guess the reason? Discuss with me.) to enhance the learning process. (5) For example, applications like Byjus have become a part of youngsters’ life. The With pre-installed videos such applications allow students to refer and learn at any time and anywhere. (how do these compare with teachers? Let us re-write the example while keeping teachers in context: For example, a student who is weak in mathematics can study the subject anytime through interactive videos on Byju’s and she need not wait for a human teacher’s limited classroom interactions.)
3. It is fine to begin your sentence with artificial intelligence. But, it fails to build a connection with the introduction. You’ve not mentioned anything like that in the introduction. So, write something that connects with the introduction. For example – computers + education + artificial intelligence. Note, I’m just removing the UNRELATED thing from SUBJECT to OBJECT. More in voice notes. Computer systems (subject – connect with the previous paragraph) have become so advanced that with the help of artificial intelligence they can evaluate a student’s homework. They can not only check a student’s answers but also give detailed feedback on mistakes and refer additional resources for reference which are the duties of human teachers (note comparison with teachers. – see point 5.).
4. Wrong use of WHILE construction. There is nothing to express CONTRAST or SIMULTANEOUS ACTIONS. Better use WHEN.
5. Observe. In sentences 2 and 3, which are an explanation of sentence 1, I can’t read any comparison with TEACHERS. Computer systems, as per question’s demands, can replace teachers. But, I can’t read that in your paragraph. Note how I have connected them in point number 3.
On the other hand, a teacher has a paramount role to play in the education sector because of
their her physical presence in the learning environment. When a child is reluctant to do the (6) homework, a teacher’s attention is critical to address the concern for improvement (7), and in such cases, computers can hardly support it. (Good that, unlike the previous paragraph, you’ve compared teachers with computers here.) Furthermore, computers possess a lot of addictive websites and games , and the presence of a student in a classroom is a must to cultivate a healthy learning routine. (let us first EXPLAIN addictive games and websites.) For instance, games (8) like Pubg can deviate a student from academic subjects and may lead to poor marks in the report card. Lack of classroom culture in such cases can leave no room for learning for a child with less interest in a subject, and such distractions are highly possible. (You’ve already mentioned this in the PUBG sentence – deviate a student.) (Build a connection with TEACHERS.) Such distractions are impossible under the careful watch and guidance of a human instructor.
6. It is NOT a specific homework. It is homework in general. So, the use of article THE is incorrect.
7. That’s a LOGIC issue. What is the connection between “reluctance to do homework” and “teacher’s attention”? It is better to write: When a child is reluctant to do homework, only a teacher can motivate her to accomplish tasks with positive words such as the role of consistent efforts in her long-term goals. Computers can not do this. (Note that I’ve also EXPLAINED “motivate” a bit with “positive words”.)
8. Connect the two sentences to EXPLAIN “addictive games and websites”. Furthermore, computers have a lot of addictive games and websites like PUBG that deviate students from academic subjects …..
To conclude, although computers are gaining a lot of credit for providing academic excellence to youngsters, the participation of teachers can never be underestimated, and will always prevail in our society.