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IELTS Essay Correction: Parents Go On Official Tours.

Nowadays, most parents have to go on official tours. Therefore, they spend a lot of time away from their family. What are the effects of this trend for the parents who go on tours and the rest of the family?

Answer:

It is argued that (1) the more and less (LR issue. This is not the same as “MOST”.) Most parents have to visit different places for business purposes near and far (2). Hence, they spend prolonged time there far away from their loved ones. (3) This trend affects their parenting style and sometimes leads to separation.

1. It is NOT an argument. The question wants you to assume that the statement is 100% correct.

2. Are business purposes ‘near and far’? OR Are places ‘near and far’? Also, there is no need to write this.

3. You can combine sentences 1 and 2 to create a compound sentence – that is, a sentence with two subjects. Most parents (subject) have to visit different places for business purposes AND they (subject) are compelled to spend time away from their loved ones.

Firstly, traveler parents, who travel regularly, (4) cannot look after their children properly. To elaborate, (It is obvious that the second sentence is an explanation of the first sentence. There is no need to write an “explicit” cohesive device.) it observed that when parents they (use a pronoun to refer back to ‘parents’ in the previous sentence.) stay away from their homes, they are unable to cultivate crucial traits such as consciousness, agreeable which affect child’s upbringing and they grow up naive. (5) For instance, a survey conducted in ”London School” revealed that 70% of the children of regular travelers are immature and grow up with a peccable character(This is NOT an example. Discuss with me.) These children spend time in playing video games such as PUBG and watching movies instead of reading books or playing sports. Thus, their physical and mental development are also severely hampered.

4. It is safe to give the quality of a noun using a modifier (an adjective clause). This creates a complex sentence and fetches you higher bands. For example: “7 feet tall boy is absent today” —> “the boy, who is seven feet tall, is absent today.”

5. Note that ONE pronoun can refer to ONE noun only. One pronoun can’t refer to two nouns. Here, “THEY” first refers to “PARENTS”. Then, you used it to refer to “CHILDREN”. That’s wrong. Plus, there is no “CHILDREN” in your sentence. The only thing closely related to it is “CHILD’s UNPRINGING”. So, “THEY” does not have a clear NOUN to refer to. Thus, you’ve made two grammar mistakes. It is observed that when they stay away from their homes, they are unable to cultivate crucial traits such as consciousness in their (= parents) children who (clear connection with ‘children’. No confusion.) end up growing naive.

Secondly, visiting a foreign country again and again for business purposes sometimes causes for results in (becomes a reason for) broken relationship for being alone since people indulge in extramarital affairs to overcome their loneliness. (Sentence structuring issue. Understand the right placement for words. LONELINESS needs to be linked with EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS.) These affairs make their partners feel betrayed and often result in divorce many a time(many a time = often) (6) Separation not only spoils counterparts’ life but their children also get affected. For instance, a recent report published in “The Hindu” revealed that mostly most divorce cases registered in courts are of those of (are of those people who have extramarital ….) people having extramarital affairs due to oftentimes leaving separately from their family. (This is NOT an example. It is just a general sentence with “The Hindu”. For example, a recent report published in “The Hindu” revealed that while the divorce rate of those who rarely travel for work is only 5 percent, that for people traveling frequently is more than 45 percent. The report attributed this to extramarital affairs during these trips.)

6. Note that you can connect the two sentences and create a complex sentence – a sentence with one independent clause and another dependent clause. These affairs make their partners feel betrayed and result in divorce which not only spoils their counterparts’ lives but also that of their children.

Conclusion In conclusion, unarguably, frequent business touring more frequently adversely affects the life of travelers and their family because it deprives them of spending adequate time with family. l believe that while traveling people should always take care of their family either by getting them on travel or by always keeping always in touch with them.

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