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IELTS Essay Evaluation: Young Children Own Mobile Phones.

Nowadays, young children own mobile phones. Some people consider it as a positive development. Give your opinion. 

Answer:

Modern gadgets, these days, (1) have become a necessity rather than (2) a luxury. It has become a trend to have mobiles at a very young age. Some individuals are in support of providing mobile phones to the youngsters (why repeat mobile phones and youngsters after using similar words in the previous sentence?) support this trend while others find it disadvantageous discourage the use of mobiles by them. (word repetition – mobiles) I believe, mobiles (word repetition – mobiles) these devices have made education more accessible and provided security, but overuse of these gadgets can lead to addiction and time wastage.

1. Note that thesedays is an interruptor. It is not a part of the main sentence. It just helps set the context by giving additional information. Let me break the sentence’s structure for you: Modern gadgets (subject), these days, (interruptor) have (auxiliary verb) become (main verb) …. You can also write this sentence as: Thesedays, modern gadgets have become …….

2. Wrong use of rather than. It is used to refer to PREFERENCE. “I will join a company rather than working for the government.” I can’t see a choice between necessity and luxury. Also, you can connect sentences 1 and 2 using “AND” and create a COMPOUND sentence. Modern gadgets, these days, have become a necessity and youngsters invariably own smartphones.

To begin with, (You’ve already begun with the introduction. Avoid this tendency. I’ve seen numerous students write this way and, most likely, the examiners know that most of the students have crammed this. Write originally.) students can have (3) increased access to education as they can contact their teachers anytime and can clarify their doubts instantly. (Please explain this. – 3) It provides them with the opportunity to attend online classes, and (4) submit their homework and assignments without much hassle. (Explain this. – 5) Additionally, they get a sense of security because through phones they remain in contact with their families all the time and it enables them to can call their parents in any emergency situation. At the same time, the guardians of children can track them via GPS and can get information about their location. It can decrease the chances of youngsters of getting trapped in any dangerous situation. For instance, a survey by the Times of India has shown a 20% less fewer kidnappings of pupils who own a mobile phone in contrast to ones those who do not possess them the same(The last point is sufficiently explained. Good job!)

3. Increased access through what? Firstly, students can have greater access to education through mobile devices as they can contact teachers online anytime and discuss their doubts. (Explain in one sentence at least. But how? Note that “anytime = not wait for the teacher’s physical presence”. Build your argument around that.) They do not have to wait for the next class to meet teachers. During weekends, students can discuss doubts in mathematics or physics with relevant teachers online so that they do not have to wait for a few days to meet teachers personally.

4. Note that the sentence’s structure is: “A and (X and Y).” Two ‘ANDs’ are necessary. “I was drinking tea and my wife was reading and writing.”

5. Develop the idea completely. Explain “Online classes” and “submit homework and assignments”. Moreover, it provides them the opportunity to attend online classes and submit their homework and assignments without much hassle. (EXPLAIN.) During the coronavirus pandemic, for instance, when the schools are closed, it is impossible for students to attend classes without the assistance of a mobile device. They can attend lectures online and submit their homework on Skype. Even the teachers find it convenient to evaluate the work and reply via Skype.

However, spending long hours in using mobile phones can result in addiction and wastage of time for youngsters. This phase of their life is very crucial in shaping their future. It can be utilized in travelling, reading books and in physical activities which can help in their holistic development. (6) Therefore, time to use a mobile phone needs to be fixed by the parents so that they do not waste their time instead and use it efficiently. (Therefore, parents not only need to fix the duration for which children can use mobile phones but also should closely monitor the usage of these devices.) (Note the construction – “Parents not only X but also Y“. The first words of X and Y are parallel.)

6. The argument should be based NOT on how the time can be effectively used. Of course, you can write this. But, more important is “HOW mobile phones result in addiction and waste time?” Instead of using these devices for study, most students use them for playing games like Pubg or watching pornographic content. They often spend hours every day playing violent games with their friends and spend lacks of rupees in buying the latest weapons in the game. This time can be better utilized in playing sports or reading books.

In conclusion, accessing online education and safety of children has have become just a click away, (Seems illogical and weird. How is SAFETY just a click away?) whereas wasting huge time on phones can impair the future of today’s youth. Therefore, its onus of the onus (responsibility) is on (wrong use of the word ONUS. LR issue.) parents to monitor the use of phones by their children in order to enjoy the merits of mobiles without being influenced by its demerits.

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