Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Evaluation: Reasons For Global Poverty.

Every country has poor people and every country has different ways of dealing with the poor. What are some of the reasons for world poverty? How can the poor be helped?

Answer:

Poverty is everywhere and people try to eliminate it by adopting their own ways. The growing rate of unemployment and inflation are the overriding reasons for the rapid increase in the number of poor people (1). In order to reduce it, the government should provide job opportunities by strengthening the local businesses and private multinational companies should do charity.

1. The question is NOT on rapidly increasing poor people. It is on poverty. Use a PRONOUN to refer back to poverty in the first sentence. It can primarily be attributed to the high rates of unemployment and inflation.

The major reason behind for (the correct preposition with ‘reason’ is ‘FOR’.) poverty is the lack of earning sources. (2) In many countries, the less number of industries fewer number of rewarding jobs leads the compels (forces) people to do jobs at engage in menial jobs in their local area with minimal at minimum wages that are not enough to survive (3) raise their living standard. For example, the rural and small towns of India have only 20% of factories of the whole nation. Therefore, the rural people are helpless to work in agricultural fields only and earn on average 150 INR which is insufficient to meet their daily food demand., that only help them to manage their one day food. Moreover, the significant increase in inflation is making their survival more difficult. The high price of food and other essential items consume erode (note the right choice of words.) their whole meager (paltry) earnings and they are unable to handle other expenses such as supporting their (4) children’s education and construction of their houses.

2. Note that “the lack of earning sources” is very different from “the lack of earnings“. The former refers to NUMBER of sources. The latter refers to total income.

3. Note that I have replaced your words with a different set of simple words. They are not complex words. But, they are just a better fit in this context. Your LR is not as strong as it should be. Plus, POVERTY is more about survival. “Raise living standards” does not connect well with poverty. 

4. Note that such as exemplifies expenses. ‘SUPPORTING’ is not an expense. ‘Children’s education’ and ‘construction’ are. An expense is a noun. “SUPPORTING” is a verb/ action.

To deal with this problem, the government plays should play a vital role. The authorities should invest by investing (5) more in industrial areas near to the countryside so that the rural people can opt for the various job opportunities. (… so that the rural people can have more rewarding/ remunerative job opportunities.) (6) For instance, a Shoe Factory in Gujarat’s village has employees and labour from the neighbourhood villages only which has highly decreased the unemployment rate of whole state. (The problem you’ve raised in BP 1 is that of MINIMUM wage and not of UNEMPLOYMENT. This is loss of TR.) For instance, while Maruti Suzuki and its ancillary units offer a minimum salary of 30,000 rupees per month to the local villagers, agriculture can not provide even half of that amount. Furthermore, the business tycoons of nation (You’ve written “multinational companies” in the introduction. TR issue.) multinational companies that are rich in cash should help the needy people by funding them. They can reduce their burden by doing laudable tasks such as supporting a labourer’s child poor children’s education and providing them one month‘s free food. (while THEY refers to tycoons, THEIR refers to needy people. That’s a pronoun mistake. One body of pronouns must refer to one noun only. Also, you’ve used a lot of unnecessary words to convey an idea. In the interest of brevity, these can be avoided.)

5. Note that you’re making a recommendation. Therefore, you should not miss ‘SHOULD’ in the first sentence. Also, the first and second sentences can be connected to create a complex sentence and to avoid unnecessary words (“the authorities should”).

6. Note that “VARIOUS job opportunities” does not communicate whether these jobs offer “higher than minimum wage”.

In conclusion, poverty is the a major concern of many nations and less fewer job options and high prices are the primary reasons for it of its raise. I think the governments and large corporations have all the resources and tools to alleviate poverty in the world. regime and powerful personalities of the country should support them by giving various earning ways and donating sufficient funds(Note the use of the word ALLEVIATE. When you’re refering to REMOVING something negative, ALLEVIATE is the right word. Please check its dictionary meaning along with usage on the Cambridge dictionary.)

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