Some people believe that it is best to accept bad situations, such as an unsatisfactory job and a shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
The human life is inclusive of (“inclusive of” does not seem best in this context. “X inclusive of Y” – X and Y should belong to the same group/ family. “The amount is inclusive of all expenses”. Amount = Money; Expenses = money. Here, ‘human life’ and ‘ups and downs’ do not belong to the same family. Lexical resource issue.) Humans regularly witness numerous ups and downs and the ways of dealing with them are often debated. Some people think that the bad situations are meant to be accepted as they (1) lack in their (You can’t lack someone else’s willpower. Isn’t it? There is no need to write their.) will power whereas others work to overcome them (2) because they believe in the progressive nature of life. I strongly support the latter way of tackling life issues.
1. Who is THEY? You’ve written in the passive voice (…. to be accepted). So, it is not clear WHO is accepting bad situations. Write in the active voice so that the reference is clear. “Some people accept bad situations as they (= some people) lack will power whereas others work hard to alter adverse circumstances because they believe in …..”
2. THEY, THEIR, THEM belong to the same family. Remember “One pronoun family can refer to ONE noun only.” THEY and THEIR refer to ‘people’. THEM must also refer to ‘people’. Not the manner in which I have avoided this issue by writing “adverse circumstances”.
On one side, a segment of the society
is deficit of (3) lacks (suffers from a deficit of) positive energy to face crisis related to jobs or finances financial and employment-related crises that force them to accept and live with these problems. It could can be due to the family engagements as they are bounded in responsibilities those that/ which (4) do not allow them to eradicate the crises and work towards betterment. Similarly, frustration and , decrease in energy levels with age and over-demanding corporate jobs are other factors those that (4) decrease the will to improve the conditions. (5)
3. Is “segment of society” a “deficit”? It’s not possible. But society can suffer from a deficit. There is a missing verb.
4. LR and Cohesion issue. “THOSE” is used to refer to people, things or places. “Responsibilities” are none of them.
5. Instead of writing 3 factors in one sentence and explaining none of them, WRITE ONE FACTOR and EXPLAIN it. Let me combine the 3 factors under one head and develop an explanation. Note that I present NO NEW IDEAS. This is just a structural adjustment that will improve your Task Response score. Similarly, over-demanding corporate jobs consume more than 12 hours every day due to which employees often develop frustration due to the paucity of free time and low energy levels. They prevent any positivity and enthusiasm to challenge the existing circumstances and change them.
On the other side, another section of
the people believes that the (“a/ the X of Y” construction.) idea of life is to be progressive under any all circumstances (note that any = singular; circumstances = plural.); hence they try every effort for betterment in case of a difficult situation in their life. Since our body and mind are designed in such a way that they could can be utilized to every possible extent to manage any problem, people follow this concept and improve by working with enthusiasm in the case of any difficulty. (To complete the arguments, can you state an example? I’m sure there are abundant examples from your knowledge or experience. Let me share one.) For example, the people of India collectively decided to end the colonial rule of the British government and made all possible efforts to change the situation. Consequently, in 1947, India gained freedom from 200 years of foreign oppression.
I strongly opine that every problem comes with its solution, so one must try to find and apply the solution with positivity.
To recapitulate, (This introducer is for the paragraph and not for a sentence. Use it at the beginning of the conclusion.) some people accept to live with bad situations due to the lack of power to do, however, while (6) others work to eliminate them, thus believing in the positive side of life.
6. “HOWEVER” is used to express contrast within the same situation. It can’t be used to compare two different situations (or groups). For example: “I love eating apples. However, they are costly and drain my financial resources.” “India is making all possible efforts to restore peace with China; however, the Chinese Communist Party is scuttling all efforts.”