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IELTS Essay Evaluation: Providing Personal Information To Companies.

Many people are opting to provide technological companies with personal information in exchange for access to softwares. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Answer:

Several people are switching to rendering (1) providing (Some people provide access to personal details ……) personal details in exchange assessing software such as Facebook, and WhatsApp. To my mind, this trend has many disadvantages ranging from hacking to net banking frauds. However, this has few advantages such as to enlarge enlarging social circle. I think that drawbacks are far more than benefits. (No need to write this sentence. You’ve already communicated this through ‘many disadvantages’ and ‘few advantages’.)

1. They are NOT switching or rendering. You can render your service or opinion. But not personal details.

On one side, sharing personal information makes (2) people more gregarious (3) since this tendency assist them in contact-tracing. Through through which they can find kith and kins, and even their old friends. Ultimately, (4) people’s their friend circle gets (Subject = People’s friend circle = singular.) expanded and they become more sociable. For instance, a survey conducted online revealed that people who have account on social-networking sites are more sociable as compared to those who don’t have access to these sites. (The advantage is NOT that people become more sociable. The advantage is that people’s social circle expands. Build an example on social circle. For example, Facebook and Twitter use phone numbers of people to find their old, school friends who live in other countries and work in diverse fields. This helps them expand their circle from their direct contacts.)

2. “Sharing personal information” = Process = Singular.

3. Please use words very carefully. Using such complex words without understanding their right use and context may cost you dearly. Gregarious = liked by other people. Sharing personal information enables softwares to trace people’s contacts and link them with old friends.

4. ULTIMATELY (like SIMILARLY, HOWEVER, etc) is an introducer. It should be separated from the main sentence through a comma.

On the flip side, the most prominent drawback is that account data can easily hacked. These days, there are a lot of hackers who steal personal details (5) not only steal personal details to misuse such as torturing harass someone but also to perform criminal activities. Moreover, (This is NOT the next point. You’re explaining the previous sentence. BANKING FRAUDS = criminal activities.) net banking frauds are prevailing only because of providing this (what kind?) kind of information in applications (which applications? Do you mean software?) since this enable the fraudsters (you can’t enable someone to bank accounts. LR issue.) to online accounts information that’s why people have to their financial loss. (6.) To cite an epitome, (7) a recent report published in “The Hindu ” explained that banking frauds have increased by 50% in 21 century whereas it was only 5%in 20 th century. The report attributed this to immense (8) greater use of softwares for e-payments.

5. “not only X but also Y” construction – the first words of X and Y should be parallel. That is, they must belong to the same family and have the same form. “not only to …. but also to ….”.

6. A poorly written sentence with a lot of mistakes. Let me correct all the issues: Banking frauds are prevailing only because mobile applications of banks (the meaning of applications is clear) collect sensitive information such as passwords (the meaning of information is clear) but this data is not secure and hackers can easily access/ steal (not enable but access/ steal) it (= data).

7. Same issue as pointed out in point number 3. EPITOME is used to refer to an example in the context of QUALITY. That is, it refers to the best quality. LR bands suffer. “Armani suits are an epitome of the fashion industry.”

8. Same issue as pointed out in point number 3. IMMENSE gives quality of a NOUN. (The medicine has immense benefits.) But, ‘USE’ is a verb. This combination is wrong and will cost you dearly in LR.

In conclusion, unarguably, rendering (1) information facilitates people in finding (the correct construction is “facilitate to”) to find friends and relatives, it has many devastating consequences such as hacking and net banking frauds. I believe that a software company should sticker have strict cybersecurity systems options so that nobody can access people’s private details.

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