Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Evaluation: Self-employment Vs Working For A Company.

Now a day’s many people choose to be self-employed, rather than working for a company or an organization. Why this might be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

Answer:

In the world of competition(this is an introducer. It is used to set the context/ tone for the sentence. Separate it from the main sentence using a comma. Also, it is better to write: “In a competitive world, ….”) people prefer to be their own bosses. I think more (1) because of greater chances of self-development and freedom in task completion are the major reasons behind this. Meanwhile, this trend has certain disadvantages like the (“the X of Y” construction.) risk of failure and financial crises in the starting years.

1. Connect the two sentences. This allows you to avoid a large number of unnecessary words and communicate the same idea in fewer words. Prefer “greater” over “more”. Chances are greater (not more).

A major reason for the preference of self-employment over job these days is personal improvement. People working in any organization, public or corporate sector, find no space for the betterment of their skills (for skill upgradation) which stagnates their professional life. Whereas starting their own business or freelancing provides (The subject is singular as you’ve used “OR” and not “AND”. Subject-verb disagreement.) them an opportunity for skill enhancement. For example, a job (So, is he working for a company? Not clear.) in marketing is a fieldwork where a person can enrich his capabilities by visiting clients but companies bound them in cubicles that hinders their growth. (2) Additionally, people prefer freedom over salary, thus they opt for a private business over the job. (Do not leave an idea unexplained. Please elaborate.) (Moreover, people generally prefer freedom over the security of a monthly salary. While the salary is fixed, it forces an employee to work for a fixed number of hours and he can not take a break as per his wishes. He is bound to work strictly as per a company’s policies. Self-employment, on the contrary, offers to freedom to work or take a break at any time.)

2. Not a well-written example. It fails to connect with the idea. For example, while working as an engineer for a company exposes a person to technical jobs only, starting an engineering business helps a person learn about finance, marketing, technical specifications, etc. The scope for self-development in the latter is practically endless.

On the other hand, the path of self-employment is not the a bed of roses. Firstly, it comes with a risk of about the (3) performance in the starting (initial) years. There are chances that a startup will not perform to the expectations or, in the worst case, (this is an interrupter. It is not a part of the main sentence but merely sets the context. Separate it from the main sentence using commas.) it may lead (4) to a complete failure. For example, a number of information technology professionals resign from their jobs every year to start a business but a few of them are successful entrepreneurs. (5) Moreover, it (WHAT leads to problems? The reference for the pronoun is not clear.) leads to financial problems till the achievement of breakeven, (wrong comma placement. Do not place a comma before AS/ SINCE/ BECAUSE.) as there is no profit during this phase. For instance, the founder of classplus mobile application stated in his autobiography that the reason behind the delay in developing the concept was that he hadn’t any other source of the income to support his family. (The example is not clear because of the use of OTHER.)

3. The use of the article “THE” is incorrect. You are not referring to a specific performance.

4. WHAT may lead to a complete failure? The startup? That does not make any sense. You should write: …. and it (= startup) may be a complete financial failure.

5. The example should be about HOW exactly startups do not perform as per expectations. Give examples, if you know. Or create one. “For example, a survey has found that more than 90 percent of the startups fail to convince customers about their products in the first year and 50 percent of them shut their shop during this time.”

To recapitulate, self-employment offers the chance to boost personal skills and work independence independency, at the same time it has several drawbacks like the risk of poor performance and financial problems.

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