We live in a world of technology. These days, while the internet brings with it clean advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweigh the advantages. To what extent do you agree?
Intervention (1) The invention of the internet (“the internet”) has changed humans’ lifestyle (Overuse of the preposition ‘OF’.) the way of living of humans. Although it has proved its worth in numerous aspects of our lives, there are certain demerits regarding the personal information security. I believe it is more advantageous in spite of certain drawbacks.
1. LR issue. “Intervention” refers to the action of involving in a difficult situation. Firstly, the internet can’t act on its own. Secondly, this is NOT a difficult situation. “The intervention of the central bank is necessary to control inflation.”
One of the merits is increased accessibility to information. It has become convenient to get knowledge about any field while sitting
at in one place. One does not need to go anywhere and can search about anything using his mobile or laptop in the comforts of his bed. It has enabled people to widen their horizons being at their homes. (This is same as the second sentence. Widen horizons = knowledge; homes = places. Repetition. LR and TR issue.) For instance, one can learn about culture and traditions of any region of the world without even visiting there. (Can you write a bit more specifically? Also, you should write TWO sentences to compensate for the sentence I’ve deleted.) For instance, one can use the internet to learn about the history and culture of Australia’s aboriginals without even visiting the country. Similarly, any information on vacancies in different government departments in India can be easily obtained from the central portal of the Indian government and applicants need not visit any office.
Another benefit is in the area of communication. It has brought the world so close that one can talk to
their (2) (no need to write this pronoun) near and dear ones who are sitting in other parts of the globe in a fraction of seconds. They (= person and family) never get out of touch and it has increased harmony among them social harmony is increased (Passive voice to avoid the overuse of pronouns) as they can discuss their (unnecessary pronoun) problems with their family (remember the meaning/ value of THEY.) each other even when they are not physically present around them.(“around them” is obvious) (2)
2. Lots of THEY, THEIR, THEM. 8 in number. Avoid writing pronouns so frequently. Also, let us assume THEY = a person and his family. Let us fix the meaning (value) of THEY. Now read the changes made above.
However, it has intruded in the personal lives of people as their confidential information can be accessed by the websites providing services to them. Sometimes, that information can be hijacked by professional hackers and their personal data can be misused. It has increased the number of cybercrimes. For example, trained hackers can
hack the bank account of any person (avoid word repetition – hack) steal information about any bank account and can perform financial transactions on his behalf leading to monetary loss to an individual.
In conclusion, the internet has proven beneficial in enhancing the (It is a specific experience) learning experience and has increased interaction among masses, but has gained control over their personal information which has detrimental repercussions. Nevertheless, its demerits can not overpower the value it has added to human life.