Some people think that the government should give money to creative people, such as artists and musicians. To what extent do you agree?
It is a fact that people with artistic abilities are often paid less for their talent (1). Some individuals believe that the government should encourage them by paying money. (should encourage them by providing financial assistance.) I completely agree with this idea as it will benefit the nation in preserving its culture and will enable the artists to improve their skills.
1. You can improve your LR score by using words more suitable for this context: … are often insufficiently (adverb) paid (verb) for their talents …..
Providing monetary benefits to artists can help in preserving the culture and heritage of a country. Due to meager earnings, they tend to give up the art (Due to meager earnings, they abandon music, dance, and drama, …….) and
start pursuing pursue other professions with that offer handsome salaries. This trend can result in the (note the construction: “a/ the X of Y”.) loss of the traditional and cultural values of the country. A recent survey by the Entertainment magazine has shown that the traditional skill of glass making has almost disappeared in France as the glassmakers have opted for other professions like architects and engineers due to the high wages they offer. Therefore, the government should provide opportunities (You’re digressing from the topic. They do not need OPPORTUNITIES. They need FINANCIAL SUPPORT.) financially support to artists , (No need of a comma before so that.) so that they can earn well and keep the heritage of a country intact for the coming generations. (Also, “opportunities to earn well” can be interpreted as “opt for other professions”. This is not what you plan to communicate.)
Additionally, artists can utilize the money
in for (the correct construction is “utilize for”.) enhancing their skills. They can buy more sophisticated instruments and can enroll in specialized courses to polish their talent. In this way, they can compete well with other artists across the globe and bring name and fame to their country. Moreover, fresh talent from rural areas can be motivated to come forward by giving them economical economic (2) support. It has been seen that a lot of people from remote regions cannot pursue their interests in a particular art due to a lack of financial resources (Note the difference between SOURCES and RESOURCES. The former refers to the place from which something originates. The latter refers to a stock of material, money, etc.) sources. Thus, (3) by getting monetary help they can opt for various fields of art and can improve the existing forms with their innovation and novel ideas.
2. Economic = related to money; Economical = related to “saving” money.
3. Wrong use of THUS (= as a result). The context does not support the use of THUS. It is used when B is the result of A. “A thus B”. By getting monetary help they can opt for various fields of art and, thus, can improve the existing forms with their innovation and novel ideas.
In conclusion, recognizing the efforts of artists by paying them sufficient/ adequate/ ample/ decent remuneration (4) can aid in the preservation of the rich heritage of a nation and can also assist
creative people them (use a pronoun to refer back to artists as you’ve done earlier in this sentence. Do not search for unnecessary synonyms. This will also help you avoid repetition of the word ‘creative‘.) in enhancing their creative ability.
4. The question is NOT of remuneration. They are getting it. It is about INADEQUATE remuneration.