Some people believe that music should be taught in schools, while others think that it is best to focus on computers and science. What is your opinion?
It is considered that schools ought to incorporate music lessons into the academic curriculum.
Nevertheless, (1) others argue that subjects such as computer and science subjects are more valuable. In my opinion, children should study music in school.
1. NEVERTHELESS/ HOWEVER are used to express contrast within the same context (set, idea). Here you’re switching from “some people” to “others”. The set changes. Let me present an example: I am an expert in music, but her lessons were interesting nevertheless. (Although I’m an expert – her lessons were useful. SET = My expertise in music.) The best way to judge whether you can use NEVERTHELESS in a context is to reread your sentences using ALTHOUGH. Try this in your sentences. It won’t fit.
On the one hand, (2) some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching children computer and science subjects. This is because most professions that offer
good handsome remunerations are those in fields such as (3) science, technology, and engineering, (4) thus allowing students to have access to many lucrative jobs when then they graduate. Also, these disciplines are relevant to society because of the benefits to people (5). For instance, doctors are needed in the healthcare sector to administer care to the sick. Similarly, engineers are useful in the construction industry as they build structures. If these job roles were not fulfilled by them, the world would not function properly.
2. This is an OPINION question. You’re supposed to discuss your opinion only. Not the other dimension. You’ve favored MUSIC in the introduction. Do not discuss the sciences. This will impact your Task Response score.
3. Nothing wrong with your words. Writing fewer words without compromising the idea fetches more bands.
4. Note that the “BECAUSE” part should be linked directly with the previous sentence and the conclusion part (THUS) should have a separate existence (sentence). “On the one hand, some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching children computer and science subjects because most professions that offer handsome remunerations are those in science, technology, and engineering. Thus, it allows students to have access to many lucrative jobs when they graduate.”
5. Avoid repeating the word BECAUSE. Plus, let us be more precise than “BENEFITS”. Do you mean to say that music is not beneficial? Write a comparative sentence. “Also, these disciplines have greater direct benefits for society than music has.”
On the other hand, it is believed that
music classes are music is essential for students. Firstly, it (6) introduces them to other cultures. (On the other hand, music plays an instrumental role in introducing students to diverse cultures.) By learning about and playing different types of instruments, they can connect with other cultures (repetition of “OTHER CULTURES”.). For instance, learning to play violin and piano exposes them the Canadian students to German, Australian, and South American music. As a result, they are more open-minded about traditions beyond the ones they already know. Secondly, music helps to receive relieve stress. When people listen to music, their brain releases a hormone which helps to (7) reduce stress levels tension, anxiety, and uneasiness. This can, therefore, be a good reliable/ dependable way for children to deal with stress pressure resulting from too much school work. (Let us avoid the repetition of the word STRESS.)
6. The singular pronoun “IT” can’t refer to plural noun “music classes”. Pronoun mistake.
7. Modern English usage has abandoned “TO” with “HELP”.
In conclusion, although studying computer and science subjects gives students access to high paying jobs, children still need to learn music so that they can appreciate other cultures and manage stress.