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IELTS Essay Evaluation: Rapid Expansion Of Supermarkets.

Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local businesses are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local businesses will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

Owing to globalization, (1) a rapid increase in the number of supermarkets has been observed in several countries which has posed a threat to local businesses in some areas. It is thought by few individuals this can result in the (“the X of Y” construction) eradication of local (civilization is not the same as business or communities. LR issue.) civilization. I believe there is a certain threat to local (too many repetitions of the word local.) people because of losing business however increase in employment opportunities offered by such expansion can be a boon for locals.

1. This is a dangling modifier. A modifier is a phrase that gives additional information about a noun. It must be separated from the main sentence through a comma. “Owing to globalization” is a modifier. However, it can’t convey additional information about “a rapid increase”. Example: Owing to inflation, the value of money is falling.” “Andre, being seven feet tall, is the right candidate from the basketball team.” If the modifier does not have a clear noun, it is called a dangling modifier. It is a grammar mistake. Please read my article on the MODIFIERS. The correct sentence structure is: Owing to globalization, supermarkets have proliferated rapidly in all parts of the world and they pose a threat to local businesses. Though (combine sentences 2 and 3 using THOUGH.) some people think that this trend (a reference to the previous sentence) will adversely impact local communities, I think it (a reference to the impact on local communities) will be more than offset/ compensated by expansion in employment opportunities.

There are numerous people who thrive on small businesses run by their families since for (2) ages and have it as the only means of living to fulfil their needs. They often fail to complete with big branded stores and leave their family business. They either search for other job options or migrate to new places in order to set up their business. (3) This can result in loss of local business. For instance, several small-scale food mills had to shift to rural areas owing to the (“the X of Y” construction) establishment of Easy day and Reliance in the city of Jaipur. (Please mention about the loss of the local community.) “For example, several, small-scale, Rajasthani food shops had to shut down after the establishment of global chains such as Easy day and Reliance in the city of Jaipur. This led to an irreparable loss to the city’s community as the local businessmen had to move to other cities.”

2. You can refer to TIME using since or for. But, please note the difference between the two. With SINCE, you need a date (since 1947). With FOR, you do not need one.

3. Your ideas must flow logically. Otherwise, you will lose the coherence score. The logical flow is: “fail to compete —> business loss —-> shutting down stores —–> migrate to other places —-> Loss of community.” Note that you’ve broken this pattern.“They often fail to compete with branded stores and suffer heavy losses that force them to shut down the business. They, as a result, have no option but to migrate to other places and this leads to the death of the local community.”

However, the increased growth of supermarkets in a region offers employment to a huge (considerable/ massive/ significant) number of local residents. The youth of the area can take up the jobs in their vicinity instead of moving to other regions of the country. Additionally, increased job possibilities can attract more outsiders to the area (…. possibilities often leads to inmigration.). As a result, the number of local residents can accelerate increase (NUMBER can’t accelerate.) drastically. A recent study conducted by Manitoba University has shown a drastic increase in the population in of the Atlantic province in Canada after the opening of Walmart and Costco in the area.

In conclusion, the setting up of supermarkets can cause a setback to local businesses whereas more jobs provided by them can help in the progress of the region.

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