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IELTS Essay Evaluation: Doctors, Nurses and Teachers VS Entertainers and Sportspersons.

Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be payed more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

Health care workers and teachers are the building blocks of society and have make (1) a huge contribution in (whose development? Use a pronoun to refer back to society) its development. On the other hand entertainment entertainers and sportspersons have less significance for holistic progress (2). In my opinion, higher payment should be given to medical and education staff (In my opinion, medical and education professionals should enjoy higher salaries ………) as compared to entertainment entertainers and sportspersons (wrong comparison as mentioned in point number 2.) because of round the clock efforts they make for the society and nation. (“Building blocks and development” in sentence 1 = “efforts” in sentence 2. You’re repeating the same idea in different words. Please don’t do that.)

1. You can’t HAVE a contribution. You can MAKE a contribution.

2. “Holistic progress” does not convey any meaning. Also, you can combine the two sentences using “WHILE” construction. In an introduction, it is better than “On the other hand”. You’re wrongly comparing WORKERS with ENTERTAINMENT. You need to compare WORKERS with ENTERTAINERS. While healthcare workers and teachers ……… its development, entertainers and sportspersons have less significance.

The wages given to doctors, nurses and teachers should be more compared to celebrities in the entertainment industry because medical staff they (Use a pronoun instead of a synonym.) work very hard to serve society (how do they serve society?) and give assistance for saving lives. (Unlike actors and cricketers, medical professionals make concerted efforts to save people’s lives. (EXPLAIN in one sentence.) They treat patients for emergency situations such as cancer, cardiac arrest and kidney failure for which they should be recognised and richly rewarded.) Teachers also play a vital role as they help to develop childrens children into responsible citizens and build skills that help nations to succeed in research and development  of new things such as vaccines, computers and electric cars. technology, medication, and concepts (“Concepts” are not a thing. LR issue.) (Write more precisely as I’ve done. “Technology” is too broad to be termed as a THING.). (3) To illustrate, health care workers help in hospitals, clinics, rural healthcare centers for the benefit of patients and risk their lives as they have the highest exposure to infections such as Covid 19. Teachers work hard to develop (4) impart knowledge among students and develop values that help in the development of the nation thus (You’ve not explained the previous idea. How do they develop values? Can you name some? How does this compare with entertainers? – 5) . Thus, paying high salaries to these 2 specialities is appropriate in my opinion.

3. You’ve broken the logical flow of ideas. Since the preceding idea is about TEACHERS, this example should be about TEACHERS. Or, link this example with the first idea (DOCTORS). That is, write it before the idea on TEACHERS.

4. You can’t DEVELOP knowledge in someone. You can IMPART it. LR issue.

5. Teachers work hard to impart knowledge of sciences, history and literature in students that help them for life while entertainers solely focus on enjoyment for a few minutes.

The celebrities from sports and entertainment industry make huge capital financial gains (6) from commercial endorsements while people from the health care and education segment have to earn with lots of hard work thus, . Thus, speciality (What’s that? Its a noun that does not refer to anything in the previous sentence. LR issue.) having less privilege of earning should be paid more so that it they should have high hourly wages so that they can serve its earn a decent livelihood. (That’s a poorly written sentence. It does not make much sense and has LR issues.) For example, while a celebrity gets 1 crore amount from advertisement of soap however (7) doctors and teachers merely have consultation and tuition fees thus higher salaries can help them to live better lives and can honour hard work they put for others. (This is the same as the second sentence of this paragraph.) (8)

 6. The precise meaning of the word CAPITAL is “money used to produce more money”. It is not same as financial gains.

7. Wrong use of HOWEVER. It is used to express contrast within the same context. “Tea is refreshing in nature; however, it contains nicotine.” The context is the same “TEA”. HOWEVER is used to contrast the benefits of TEA. In your sentence, you are comparing two different objects (celebrities and doctors). The right device here is WHILE. (Cohesion mistake.)

8. An example is more precise than a general statement. Let me rewrite your example: “For example, while a film star in India easily earns millions from one advertisement, doctors earn less than 10 percent of that amount after months of hardworking.

To conclude , I would like to reiterate that doctors, medical staff and teachers should be paid more because of their hard work and dedication towards society and the reason that they have less privilege to earn from the commercial side (2 reasons. Use “not only X but also Y” construction.) they not only work hard and dedicate their life to society (= X) but also have lesser privilege to earn as compared to celebrities from the sports and entertainment (= Y) industry have.

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