Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Although many people believe that the sole purpose of a museum is to educate people about history and culture,
while (1. GR issue) others want museums to be a place of entertainment so that young people can be attracted to them. I firmly believe that some educating as well as entertaining games could help people in learning about their ancient history in a joyful fashion. (2) (In learning = learn. Write in fewer words. Also, why restrict your response to ANCIENT history only?)
- It is incorrect to use “Although” and “While” constructions in the same sentence. The correct sentence, in this context, is: “While many believe that museums are meant to teach history and culture, others prefer them (= museums) as a source of entertainment for youngsters.” Listen to voice notes shared via WhatsApp. Note the use of pronouns as referencing device.
- Education + Entertainment = Amalgamation/ merger. “I firmly believe that the amalgamation of the two functions will help people learn about history in a joyful fashion.“
On the one hand, there is a group of people who consider museums as a place of learning about cultures and visualizing a glimpse of history. (You’ve already MENTIONED this in the introduction. This sentence is the same as the first sentence of the introduction. This will cost you bands in LR. Just begin with HISTORY.) Clearly, museums are the only source of visualising the fragments of history that have been carefully preserved for posterity. They are vital for the identity of cultures and traditions (Humans have identity. Cultures do not. LR issue. Wrong choice of words.) since they are evidence (MUSEUMS are not an EVIDENCE. Artefacts preserved in them are. LR issue.) of what was (Wrong tense. GR issue) happened in the past and how any a civilization evolved. (3) Moreover, students can also get help from museums to validate their study which they acquire (You can acquire knowledge but not study. The correct construction should be “to validate the events they have read in books“) from books so that they can enhance their knowledge and score well in exams. (Coherence issue: How does VALIDATION improve their knowledge and enhance their score? Cohesion issue since the IDEA is not well explained.) Thus, museums help people to know about their history and also aid students in their academics.
3. Note that your have not explained the first point (visualising history) and moved to the second point (identity). This will cost you bands in coherence as you MUST explain the point you’ve raised earlier to build a strong argument. “Clearly, museums are the only source of visualising the fragments of history that have been carefully preserved for posterity. While history books can teach about events through text, museums are the only place where we can watch the past events through the lens of artefacts such as clothes, pottery, utensils and weapons of the people who lived in an era. For example, in the National Museum of Egypt, we can see the pieces of bricks that ancient Egyptians used to build homes and bridges.”
another the other hand, there is a school of thought who (4) considers (Subject-verb disagreement) museums boring and wants (subject-verb disagreement. GR issue.) them to be a place of entertainment. (How can a SCHOOL of thought find something boring? Humans can. This seems weird.) (5) If they remain uninterested (6) are not interesting to people, then nobody would bother to visit them and will eventually lose a chance to know about their (Wrong pronoun. NOBODY = singular. THEIR = plural. A plural pronoun can’t refer to a singular noun. GR issue. In fact, there is no need of a pronoun here. The sentence is complete even without that.) history. It is borne out by the study conducted by Times magazine that ninety per cent of people never visited visit (NEVER = true in the past, present and future. The correct tense in this context is not the past tense but the simple present tense.) museums since they consider them dull. Hence, in order to attract people, some role-playing games can be played (avoid repeating words.) employed there (of course they are employed in museums.) which would increase the footfall. (7)
4. Wrong pronoun. The correct pronoun to refer to a non-living thing *SCHOOL of thought” is “WHICH.” Also, “SCHOOL” is singular. So, you should write “CONSIDERS”
5. Note that there is no CONNECTION (coherence) with the previous paragraph. Also, this sentence is similar to the first sentence of the introduction. Let me show a way of connecting the two paragraphs. “Despite their educational benefits, (link with the previous paragraph) museums needs to be interesting the attract crowds and remain economically viable.”
6. Wrong use of “uninterested”. Uninterested = not interested. Only HUMANS can afford to be NOT INTERESTED in something. Non-living things can’t do that. They do not have emotions to express interest.
7. Your response is too general. Make it more specific. What do you mean by “role-playing games”? Can you give a few examples? The City Museum of Singapore, for instance, engages students every year to act in various war scenes of the country’s independence movement. The scenes of war between the colonial British forces and Singapore National Army attracts huge crowds.
To recapitulate, I believe the entire purpose of museums
ought to be educating (avoid weird constructions. These do not fetch you bands. Rather, they carry the seeds of a possible mistake.) is to educate people which can also be achieved via some entertaining games.