Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Evaluation: Breakthroughs In Medical Science.

The breakthroughs in medical science are by far the most significant advances in the world over the last two centuries. Discuss this statement and give your opinion.

Answer:

Over the span of the last two centuries, the advances in science, especially in medical science, are the most significant in the world. However, (Wrong use of “However” – 1) some people opine that advances in the other critical fields like computer science and technology are outstanding. I disagree with them and believes believe (subject-verb disagreement) that breakthroughs in health science made an enormous impact on human’s life span and quality of life. 

1. “However” is used to express contrast within a context. Example: Eating sugar gives instant energy; however, it causes diabetes in the long run. Here, you are not expressing contrast within the same context. The correct sentence structure should be: “Though some people opine that compeer science has revolutionised the modern world, I believe that medical science has made a greater impact by increasing longevity and quality of life.”

Due to the (This is NOT a specific research you’re talking about) continued research in medical science, scientists (2) are able to invent new life-saving drugs and other medicines which prolong human life. These drugs (Tenses mistake. GR.) are were absent in ancient times due to which the mortality rate even at the age of 30 was very low high (Mortality = death; Also, mortality rate of whom? At what age?). In the 16th century, millions of people were (Tenses mistake. GR.) died due to Egyptian flu since they didn’t have the access to these drugs antibiotics and antiviral drugs (make your response more specific. This also helps you avoid repetition of the word “drug” and improved LR score.). Whereas, a million lives have been saved by injections such as Remdesivir to fight against from new newly (Emerged = verb. Only an adverb can qualify it.) emerged novel Corona virus.

2. A subtle but important point. “Scientists” do research in medical science through which they make inventions. You sentence seems to express that scientists make inventions DUE TO research of someone else. Correct structure: “With continuous research in medical science, scientists …..” Need to change the modifier’s structure.

Moreover, medical science is doing great in increasing (A more appropriate word in context of “quality of life” is IMPROVING) the quality of life of patients especially in the field of prosthetics. With the help of artificial limbs, people (Which people? “physically disabled people”) can live a normal life and are, thus, contributing contribute (do not change tense form. This violates the “rules of parallelism”. LIVE is parallel to CONTRIBUTE.) equally to society. They are no longer dependent on others to live their life. For instance, drivers who lost their legs in severe accidents are working normally with the help of motion-sensor operated prosthetics and are driving vehicles despite the disability. Hence, advances in medical science are aiding people like these to improve their lives. (This sentence does not add any value and merely counts as a repetition of the ideas expressed earlier. Leave the conclusion for the last paragraph.)

In conclusion, I firmly believe that breakthroughs in the field of medicine and prosthetics have decreased the mortality rate and have improved quality of life of people by miles and can be considered as the most significant advances in this (“Contemporary” includes the word “this”. Contemporary world = this world.) contemporary world.

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