Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Evaluation: Teaching Money Management to Students.

Some people think that students in schools should be taught how to manage money because it is an important life skill. Do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

To learn about controlling (Managing money is not the same as controlling money. LR issue. Do not use a synonym if you are not sure of its meaning.) money management (To learn about the right use of money …..) is an important competency. I agree that the monetary values (There is nothing called monetary value. Use a pronoun instead to refer to “money management”.) this skill must be taught to kids in school so that they can realize its importance in world’s existence ????. A number of arguments surround my opinion. (Of course, they do. There is no need to write this.)

Financial management skill enhances a lot of other skills which one must possess like such as (Learn the difference between SUCH AS and LIKE.) logical thinking and problem solving. Learning about the flow of money will make the children understand how to use limited resources to its their full potential. They will value the money more, (These are two independent clauses. You can’t separate them using ONLY a comma. Try using “and” or “;”. Discuss with me, if necessary.) learn about the power of financial stability and its (What does ‘its’ refer to?) privilege. If the children are educated about money management, they will become more aware on about how to spend the money wisely to secure a better (brighter) future. The students can focus on saving money to go to the college they wish to attend. (Okay, I can see repetitions of the word “money”. Try using a pronoun to refer back to this word. Note the use of pronouns below.)

If the children are educated about managing money, they will become more aware about how to spend IT wisely to secure a brighter future. THEY can focus on saving IT to go to the college they wish to attend.

Another benefit of this strategy/ approach (THIS is a weak pronoun. It needs the support of a noun to stand. It can’t stand alone.) would be better investments and cash flow. Considering the effect of money on an individual, (I fail to understand the meaning of this part. How is it related to INVESTMENT?) the students will start investing from an early age and they can achieve a sense of freedom. Planning their expenses and investments regularly will keep the cash running in the country and government would be generating more revenue. (Let us combine the previous two sentences. This will help you rationalise the use of the word “investments”. Learning about the investment of money in financial products will enable children to achieve a sense of freedom while keeping the cash running in the country and generating revenue for the government.) Moreover, work opportunities will start growing in future as many young teenagers who wish to become an entrepreneur, will be having will have enough resources to kick-start their work after completing their studies.

Talking about the education system nowadays, it is very less relative to does not prepare students for the real world challenges. Although I believe every subject taught in school is very important in itself but , adding money management to the curriculum would benefit a lot. (Do not use ‘but’ with ‘although’. The correct construction is “Although X, Y”. There is no ‘but’ in it.)

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